


The War Inside My Head

by Ninja_Puppet02



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Abuse, Blood, Child Neglect, Dark, Foul Language, Gore, He is frustrated man, Hurt/Comfort, I'm sorry Neuro, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kai is blind to it, M/M, Neuro is in love with Kai, PTSD, Rape, Self-Harm, Seriously this thing is full of triggers, Shade is trying to get them together, Suicide Attempt, This is my first work so enjoy, Violent flashbacks, Walls are great, Why did I do this to neuro, no beta we die like zane, you'll find out why soon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:42:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 31,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24777832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninja_Puppet02/pseuds/Ninja_Puppet02
Summary: I was doing just fine.I had everything under control.Then the Tournament happened and a grey-eyed, red wearing idiot just waltzed into my life.Now I'm coming undone.Fevershipping (Neuro X Kai).I do not own Lego Ninjago.Will update at least once a month.
Relationships: Kai/Neuro (Ninjago), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Shade/Lloyd
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	1. Ninjago Bridge Is Falling Down

Sitting on the Main Street Bridge, high above the city and the river winding below, Ninjago City looked purely stunning, especially at night. The lights glittered around the city like a miniature galaxy and the lights made the river look as if it was a rainbow.

A dark-washed rainbow.

Anyone else would be trying to remember this, taking pictures to show off the view. But not me. I'm not here for the view. I'm not here to show off. And the swarm of police and firefighters aren't here for the view either.

I came here because I'm giving up. On everything. My dreams. My hopes. My friends. My life.

Him.

I flicked my gaze down below, watching the police and firefighters debate on what to do. I wasn't coming down. Not alive, at least.

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't even BE in this situation if it wasn't for a grey-eyed, red-wearing, arrogant, egotistical, idiotic, hot-headed bastard. I had everything under control. All the horrors and atrocities I've endured in my life were locked away in the darkest recesses of my mind, in hopes they would never again infiltrate the rest of my mind. If they never did, I wouldn't be placed in a mental hospital labelled a "lost cause".

Everything was under control. Then the Tournament of Elements happened and the previously mention bastard walked into my life. Just his presence began to unlock the chains that trapped the memories away and began to allow them to seep back into my head.

It started with the nightmares. Then it escalated to flickering shadows in my peripheral vision, there, but not fully. Then the voices began to ring in my ears again. The shouts of my parents. The laughter of the twisted "friend" who took more than my innocence. The cruel words and jabs of the children in the foster home. And so much more. I tried to get myself out of this mess, but it only got worse. My reality began to change. Anything that remotely reminded me of my past would force me to relive it. Every moment. Every word. Every wound.

I tried even harder to save myself, but it only made it worse. I tried to shut the grey-eyed bastard out of my life, in hopes that without his presence I could save myself. No, he came back. Over and over. Expressing his concern and worry and wanting to help me.

He only made it worse!

I glared at the water down below, watching the water lazily move on by, reflecting the rainbow galaxy around it. It should be comforting. Should be. But my mind says Water! Punishment! She would try to DROWN YOU IF YOU WEREN'T QUIET!!

I flinched back, almost losing my footing on top of the tiny platform I stood. I dimly heard to alarmed shouts of the people down below. But I don't care. I just want to be done! WITH EVERYTHING!

I looked back down at the water and shifted closer to the edge. Just have to step off and it will be all over. The fall might kill me. Or I could drown. Or I could get hypothermia, since the river was still half-frozen.

"Sir! Please just stay where you are! Let us help you!" I heard the Commissioner shout, no doubt using a megaphone. I kept my eyes on the river. Why haven't I jumped yet?

 _Because you at least want to see him one more time before you end it_ , the voice that tormented me for months before whispered from the back of my mind, _though he'll never love you the way you love him. And if you jump, he'll never forgive you._

I screwed my eyes shut, trying to block it out. The voice in my head. The sirens down below. The shouts and pleas of those watching. The voice of the Commissioner, trying to convince me not to jump. That I had stuff to live for. I don't though. Unlike everyone else around me, I have no one. No parents, no family, no friends........I have nothing left to lose except my life, which doesn't seem that important anyway.

I slid closer to the edge and put one foot out. Now I just need to put my weight forward.....

"NEURO!!"

I froze.

Why is he here?

_But didn't you want him here? To see what is involvement in your life has done to you?_

"PLEASE JUST COME DOWN!"

_Why? Why should I? No one cares. You'll just throw me in a mental hospital. Under the guise that you care._

"NEURO PLEASE!"

The desperation in his tone tore my eyes from the water down below. I turned them towards the voice. The desperate, pleading voice.

He was down there. Bright, storm-cloud grey eyes shimmering in concern and fear. Concern and fear? _For me?_

"NEURO JUST COME DOWN! LET US TALK ABOUT THIS!" he yelled.

I couldn't keep silent anymore.

"WHY?! WHY NOW?! I DON'T WANT TO TALK! THE MOMENT I COME DOWN YOU'LL THROW ME IN MENTAL HOSPITAL AND FORGET ALL ABOUT ME! I'M NOT FALLING FOR IT, KAI!" I screamed, tears pricking my eyes as they met Kai's grey ones.

No. I won't cry. Crying meant I was weak. Pathetic. I'm not any of those!

_Look at him. He's crying. Pathetic, weak thing. Don't worry. I promise you'll feel all better once I'm done with you....He began to reach for me intending to use me for his own personal pleasure..._

I jolted back from the invisible hands reaching out to grab me. I stumbled back into...

Empty air.

I screamed as I felt the world rush past me as I hurtled towards the water. I heard the screams of terror from the people on the bridge as I fell past.

The last thing I was aware of was the icy shock of the river as I sunk below the water, away from the only world I ever knew.


	2. It's Always Haunting Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neuro wakes up from a nightmare 7 months prior to Chapter 1.

7 Months Ago

_I swallowed back my fear as best I could as a slowly made my way to the kitchen. My parents were asleep. Not surprising since they got drunk again. I winced. Whenever they got drunk, I had to hide. They never liked me and just my presence sets them off into a rage. I still can't see out of my right eye._

_It'd been worse this time. This time, they had invited their drinking buddies to come to the house to play poker. Drinks have been going since one this afternoon. The moment I saw the bottle, I hid myself in the closet. I sat in there, in the dark, until the house fell silent. Looking at the clock, it was almost four in the morning. I shouldn't even be up, but I was hungry and the only time I could eat was if my parents were asleep and remained asleep during the time it took me to get food._

_I poked my head into the kitchen. The table was covered in broken glass, beer bottles, playing cards, and poker chips. The soft moonlight filtering through the window added an eerie feeling to the room, making it seem more fragile than it was. I quietly made my way to the fridge. Through all the shouting and laughter, I managed to use my "curse" to discover that they had ordered pizza. I didn't know what that was, but I was starving. I didn't know exactly where it was either, though common sense dictates it would be in the fridge._

_Just as I was about to open the fridge door, the floorboards behind me creaked. I froze. My heart beat spiked. If there is any supernatural power out there, please don't let it be one of my parents standing behind me, I prayed._

_I took a ragged breath and turned around. I didn't know if I should be frightened or relieved. Frightened because it was one of the drinking buddies. Relieved because it wasn't my parents._

_The man looked at me confused and shocked. Though, judging by the fact his eyes are blurred and movements are sluggish, he's still drunk. If I'm lucky, I can just go back to the closet...._

_"Who're you?" the man slurred, looking down at me. I swallowed._

_"I'm Neuro. Jackson and Danielle's son," I whispered. I slowly began to move to the side of him. I hope I can get away. I don't like what this man is thinking...._

_"I didn' know they ha' a ki'," the man continued. He looked me over. I don't like that look. "Ho' ol' are you?"_

_I backed away. Forget the closet. I'll sleep outside tonight._

_"Hey. I ask'd you a questio'," he spat, "Now answer it." he picked up a glass beer bottle._

_"S-seven," I stammered, tears pricking my eyes. He grinned at me and was starting to kneel down, when a door slammed open. We both looked over the table to the door. I felt my blood turn to ice._

_It was my father._

_"Hey Jackson~," the man greeted, "I didn't know you had a kid."_

_My father glared at me. "I do. And he should be in bed," he hissed. I flinched and started to cry. Not because I was sad, but because I was scared._

_I heard footsteps approach me, then stop. I didn't have to look to know my father now stood over me._

_"Hey now," the man said, "Instead of beating him for disobedience, maybe something more creative?"_

_My father turned to look at him. "Such as?" he asked. The man came close and whispered something to my father. Too quiet for me to hear, but judging by the wicked grins, it wasn't good. "Feel free to do it," my father replied, "I'll make sure he keeps quiet about it." he moved to the other side of the kitchen. I began to cry harder._

_"Aw. Look at him. He's crying. Pathetic, weak thing. Don't worry. I promise you'll feel all better once I'm done with you," the stranger purred, reaching out to grab me. I jerked back and bolted for the door. I wasn't fast enough. He grabbed my foot and used his other hand to push me into the floor, pining me._

_"I promise it won't hurt much," he whispered into my ear. I looked at my father, silently begging him to stop this. He just stood there. The stranger then began to undo my button on my pants--_

I jolted up, breath coming quick and shallow. I swallowed the bile that was rising in my throat and put my head in my hands, trying to slow my breathing.

"Calm down," I whispered to myself, "It's done. It happened fifteen years ago. It won't happen again."

I sat on my bed for a few more moments. Once my breathing was under control, I turned towards my beside table. The clock read 3:47 am. There was absolutely no way I was going back to sleep. Shakily, I threw the covers off and stood up. I began to make my way to the bathroom. I might as well take my morning shower now. Besides, the memory-dream reminded me just how filthy and disgusting I was. I would never truly be clean after that. Furthermore, it reminded me how pathetic I was. An Elemental Master not even being able to defend himself...

The shock of the cold water on my burning skin brought me back to the present. I painfully sighed and swiftly got cleaned up. Once finished, I got out and got dressed in a more normal way. Not my Elemental Robes. I only save those for meetings with the other Masters. Besides, my dark grey cargo pants and my Skillet band t-shirt were far more comfortable than the robes.

It was still pretty early; only 4:26 am. I sighed. I wasn't going back to sleep. Not after that. But what was there to do? I looked over at my fridge and noticed a yellow sticky note on it. I was confused, but I plucked it off and read it.

1 gallon of milk

1 dozen eggs

1 loaf of bread

1 pound of apples

1 pound of oranges

1 box of strawberry pop tarts

"What?" I mumbled, confused. Then I remembered. My memory has been bad lately, due to both lack of sleep--nightmares--and stress--being an Elemental and having to help rebuild nearby villages and towns after Chen destroyed it. So, to remind myself of things that needed to be done, I wrote it on sticky notes and posted them throughout my apartment. This was a list of things I needed to pick up at the store. I could see other yellow sticky notes around the living room and kitchen, at least thirty of them. _Holy shit. Is my memory getting that bad? I'm only twenty-two._

_And yet you're more broken than a military veteran suffering from post-traumatic stress and Alzheimer's_ , something whispered from the back of my mind. I shook my head to clear it. I'm hearing voices now. Wonderful.

"I might as well get this done," I said to myself, "because by the looks of it, I got a lot of stuff to do today before I go to work tonight."

I put on my shoes and grabbed my wallet. I wish I had a car, but I don't know how to drive. I have a bus pass, but buses don't run till seven. The only good thing is is that the super store is open twenty-four hours. Though it is almost a two-hour walk.

Sighing to myself, I exited my apartment and locked the door. I turned towards the stairs. That was when I saw something flash from the corner of my eye. I whipped around, looking for the source. I didn't see anything. Unnerved, I walked down the stairs and began my trip to the super store, though I looked over my shoulder for the shadow I saw every block I walked.


	3. Shadows In The Store

The city was just starting to wake up when I entered the store. It was still relatively early, only around 6 am, but the store already had at least fifty people wandering around. I sighed and grabbed a basket. I just wanted to get my groceries and go. After my nightmare, I've been uneasy. I keep seeing dark figures in my peripheral vision, but when I turn to see what it is, it disappears.

I sighed and grabbed a bag of apples, quickly followed by oranges. Once secure in the basket, I made my way to the freezer aisle for the pop tarts. Honestly, it's a kids' breakfast but it is the only thing I can stomach most days. I located the area they were kept and had just put it with the other items when a child's scream pierced my ears. Turning, the screaming was coming from a little boy, with an adult man towering over him.

_The stranger had towered over me that night, as my father absently watched from the side. I remember crying and staring at the ceiling, believing if I didn't look at the man, it wouldn't happen. What I didn't know. He took advantage of my confusion and fear. He had yanked off my one good pair of pants I had left, leaving me in my boxer briefs. Those were swiftly gone, too, as well as my shirt, leaving me exposed. The man had stared at me, with emotions I now knew as lust, hunger, and a twisted sense of pleasure. Before I could escape, he pinned placed one of his hands on my neck, pining me to the ground as he put himself inside of me. He hadn't gone easy...I was screaming, begging, my father to help me, but he did nothing. I recall seeing blood running down my legs and a burning, agonizing feeling inside me, tearing things from me that I didn't know I had. I begged him to stop. Stop. Stop. St--_

"Sir? Sir? Are you alright?" someone asked, placing a hand on my shoulder. I flinched and recoiled, moving my shoulder away from them.

Slowly, the super store came back into focus, more prominent than the kitchen floor of my childhood home. I realized I was on the floor, pressed up against the freezer doors, with a couple store employees and customers around me. The boy and the man have moved on, though I'm not sure where they had gone or if the boy had been in trouble of some kind.

"Sir, are you alright?" the voice from earlier asked from my left. I turned to look at them, only to be met with a grey-skinned face with piercing blue eyes. I narrowed my eyes; he seemed achingly familiar...

"Shade?" I gasped. I haven't seen anyone since the Tournament. Especially the one person I really wanted to see. My heart skipped for some reason when he popped into my head. Was I sick? Was I having a heart attack? Why does my heart act up whenever Kai comes to mind?!

"Neuro?" Shade questioned, stunned. I blinked at him, throwing my inner questions to the back of my mind. I can figure them out later. 

"Yeah," I mumbled. I began to pull myself off the floor. The people that surrounded me backed off and the customers left. The employees, however, stuck around. 

"Do you need you to call an ambulance?" one of the employees, the manager as stated by her name tag, asked me.

I waved her off. "No, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? You look pale. Maybe you should get seen--"

"I'm fine!" I snapped. I grabbed my basket of groceries and walked off to the cooler area to grab the milk and eggs. The sooner I'm home, the better. Ever since the Tournament, memories I've locked away have been seeping back into my mind through nightmares. Though this is the first time they've come up when I've been awake, actually causing me to hallucinate. In public, no less! I picked up the eggs, then the milk, and began to make my way to the bread aisle. Almost done...

"Hey! Ninjago to Neuro!" someone yelled in my ear. I jumped and swung the basket at the person. The person disappeared before the basket made impact though. _Where did they go?_

"Who's there? This isn't funny," I growled.

"Uh, I thought we clarified who I was back at the freezer aisle?" Shade appeared in front of me.

"Don't scare me like that," I muttered and I started heading to the bread aisle again.

"I thought you knew I was following you? I haven't seen anyone since the Tournament. Figured we could chat."

"You sound like Turner."

"I'm bored and have no one to talk to. I'm desperate. Humor me."

"Holy shit. Are you sure you're not Turner in disguise?"

"I could never pull off Turner's level of energy, stupidity, and cockiness. Not even one at a time, let alone all three. So, doing anything after this?"

"I'm going home to clean and to get ready for work. No, I'm not going with you to get breakfast."

Shade sighed. "Come on. It's been almost a month since the Tournament and you're the first Master I've encountered since. Could you please just hang out with me for a couple hours?"

I turned to look at Shade, a sharp 'no' on my tongue, but I stopped. Shade looked upset, staring at the ground. I decided to take a quick peek inside his mind.

He was lonely. Unlike the other Masters, who exchanged information with one another, no one had asked for Shade's. He knew no one had asked for mine as well. Seeing me, he hoped that, as us being the 'outcasts', we could try to be friends.

_He wants to be my friend?_

I bit my lip, guilt bubbling up inside of me.

_You never knew how to keep friends, did you? You can't even make them._ _Even if one came up and announce they were your friend now._

I closed my eyes and sighed. "Alright, but I need to finish shopping and drop off my groceries at home."

"Really?!" gaped Shade.

"Yes."

"That's great! Do you need a ride back to your apartment? I know you mentioned you didn't have a car so I can give you a ride once your done."

"I would appreciate that actually," I murmured. 

"Alright. Finish your shopping. I'll finish mine. And I'll meet you outside, okay? I'll be driving a dark green jeep," Shade explained. A moment later, he was gone. I blinked. Why had I agreed to breakfast? 

_You're lonely and you feel bad for hurting someone who was trying to be nice to you,_ the voice whispered. I ignored it. 

Sighing quietly to myself, I picked up my loaf of bread and paid for my groceries. I won't have to worry about shopping for at least two weeks now.

As promised, Shade was already outside, sitting in his dark green jeep. I put my groceries in the back and climbed into the passenger seat. "I didn't know you liked green," I commented.

Shade blushed. "Uh, yeah. Um, it's my favorite color." he started the car. I couldn't help but smile a bit.

"So," I drawled "you like things that are green?"

Shade's blush deepened. "You better not of read my mind."

"I don't need to read your mind to know you are crushing on the Green Ninja."

I snickered to myself as Shade turned on the radio and cranked it up, face a blushing mess.

"Where do you live?" Shade asked, not looking at me. 

I felt my smile leave my face. He sounded upset. _Did I push it too far?_ I bit my lip.

_I really am terrible at making friends._

I told Shade my address and he maneuvered the jeep onto the road needed to get there. He didn't look at me for the rest of the ride.

_Does he not want to be my friend anymore?_

_Did I mess up?_

_I did._

_I fucked up._

_I just fucked up my only chance on making a friend._

_Because I don't know how to keep my mouth shut._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first story on this site. I'm used to writing on Wattpad, where I kept things more mellow, so I would greatly appreciate any advice/constructive criticism. This is also my first story that I have written in First Person Point of View.


	4. Breakfast With A Surprise

Shade pulled the jeep into the apartment complex parking lot and parked in an empty space. Once he put it in park, I got out a grab my groceries and began to make my way to the staircase.

"I'll stay here," Shade called after me, "Just make sure you bring a taste for waffles. I'm really craving those for breakfast."

I turned to him, shocked. _He still wants to get breakfast with me? Even though I pushed him about Lloyd?_

"O-okay," I stammered, then I quickly made my way up the stairs to my apartment. I unlocked the door, shut it, and threw my groceries onto the table before leaning against the counter.

_Can I really do this? Can I go out to eat without having another flashback? I'm lucky the super store employees didn't force me to go to the hospital. But if it happens again, Shade will make me go. Should I do this? But I promised. And I owe him for what I said earlier. I don't want to, but I have to._

I turned the sink water on and rinsed my face, not bringing myself to thin about it. I dried my face and put away my groceries. Once finished, I made my way back to Shade's jeep and got in.

"So, I didn't know you were a Skillet fan," Shade commented, looking at my shirt. "You didn't strike me as the type to like rock music."

"I know. I just prefer not to announce what I like," I replied, looking out the window.

"Like how you won't tell anyone about your crush on Kai?"

"What?!" I yelped, "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"I call bullshit. Even Jacob could see you liked him. It was kind of obvious."

"Was not."

"You were always staring at him. You always tried to be near him. You defended him when the other Masters started talking smack about him. Everyone knew. Well, except for Kai."

"Like how Lloyd can't tell that you liked him?"

"Fair enough. How about this," Shade looked at me, smirking, "I'll call Lloyd and ask him out. Once I'm done, you'll call Kai and ask him out."

I felt my face heat up. "I don't like him."

"Surrrrrreeeee. You don't."

"Seriously are you and Turner related?!"

"Do we have a deal or not?"

"....Fine..."

"Yes!" Shade laughed, then instantly quieted. "Shit, now I actually have to do it."

I smiled. "Yep. You can call him once we get to the waffle house."

"Shit. That's right now," Shade muttered as he pulled the jeep into a parking spot. The waffle place looked kind of cheesy with the animated waffle on the door and the sign, but I couldn't complain. Not when I had already hurt Shade once today. I got out of the jeep and stood by the door, waiting for Shade to grab his stuff and lock the jeep. Shade was finished in a couple moments and we both went inside.

The waffle place looked like a stereotypical diner, with booths along the walls, tables in the center, and a counter near the back where the kitchen was. The hostess gave me and Shade a booth, with a view of the parking lot. 

"Hello, Shade. This is the fourth time we've seen you this week. Oh! And you've brought a friend. What's his name?" the waitress asked once the hostess had left.

"This is Neuro," Shade replied. "Neuro, this is Becky." I shyly waved.

"He's cute," Becky said as my face heated up. "Are you two on a date?"

Shade laughed as my face got redder. "No, I'm into someone else, as is he. We just figured we could get breakfast and catch up on our lives."

"Oh, well," Becky sighed. "But you better have a date next time you come in, mister."

"Yes, ma'am," Shade laughed.

"Alright, the usual for you?" 

"Yes, ma'am."

"And for you, dear?" Becky asked, turning to me.

I looked down at the menu. i could feel their eyes burning into me as I decided.

"I'll just take a stack of normal waffles with orange juice," I mumbled.

Becky wrote it into her notebook. "Alright, I'll bring those out in a bit." and she left.

Shade yawned and stretched. "Man, I can't decide if I'm more hungry or tired," he said. He looked at me, then over my shoulder. He looked shocked so I turned around to see what he was looking at.

The Ninja were sitting on the other side of the restaurant. 

Fuck my life.

I turned back to Shade, only to realize he was smirking. "What are you up to?" 

"Be right back," he said and then disappeared into his shadow. A moment later, he reappeared next to the Ninja.

I didn't need my powers to realize what he was doing.

_Fuck my life._

_Please say no._

_I don't think I can handle anymore social shit and embarrassment today._

_Shit Kai and Lloyd are coming over._

_Shade I will kill you._

Shade grinned as he sat back down, Lloyd sitting next to him and Kai sitting next to me. I looked at the table, trying my best to ignore him. However my heart decided it was going to speed up when Kai sat next to me.

"So," Lloyd started, "What have you guys been up to? We haven't seen you guys since the Tournament."

"Well," Shade replied, "I've been trying to get a degree in Emergency Medicine. Having school on top of being an Elemental Master is stressful though."

_Shade's in school? Huh, I wish I could of gone. I was fortunate enough that my parents taught me to read and write. Not even the foster home was willing to send me to school once they pulled me out of the house. Then again, the person in charge was just as cruel as my parents except she could get away with it._

Someone started snapping their fingers in front of my face. I flinched back and let my gaze drift past the hand to see who it belonged to, but judging by the red sleeve, it was Kai's.

"May I help you?" I ask, making my annoyance known. Kai rolled his eyes.

"Lloyd asked what you've been up to, but you zoned out," Kai answered.

"Oh," I mumbled again, embarrassed. "I've just been working as a bartender."

"You're a bartender?!" Lloyd gaped.

"Yeah. Have been for five years," I said, looking back down at the table.

_It was the only thing that was willing to hire me with my lack of an education._

"So, where do you work?" Kai asked, leaning on his elbow so he could look at me. I felt my face heat up again.

_Why are you blushing? He'll never love you. Hell, your own parents didn't love you. What makes you think anyone will?_

"Uh, Lucky's Tavern," I replied, looking away from him. I just hoped my blush wasn't noticeable.

"I'm back. Got you boys your food. I even brought your friends' food over, too," Becky announced and put the food down.

"Thanks!" Shade and Lloyd said simultaneously before digging in.

I mumbled my thanks and slowly started eating. _This is more than I eat in two days._

"Any plans later?" Kai piped up as he began eating his blueberry waffles.

"Well, I was going to drag Neuro to the mall. Would you and Lloyd like to join us?" Shade grinned mischievously, casting me a sly look.

I felt my heart stop. I didn't want to be near them. Especially Kai. One person I can handle if anything comes up, but three? No. Just No.

"I'm sure they have other stuff to do, Shade we shoul--"

"We have the day off," Kai cut me off, "And I'm sure Lloyd wouldn't mind." he gave Lloyd a wink and Lloyd glared at him.

"Nope," Lloyd answered, face red,"We can go."

Shade grin in victory and finished off his waffles--which looked like it had every fruit and berry in exsistance on it--and stood up. "Breakfast is my treat. I'll go pay." and he left.

Kai gave Lloyd an annoyed look. "Really? I hope you know, I'll make sure you and Shade get some alone time at the mall."

"Damn it, Kai! Not here! What if he hears you?!" Lloyd panicked, looking around.

"You were supposed to ask him out."

"I was scared."

"You know he likes you."

"I know! But I was nervous okay?!"

I felt my head begin to hurt as Kai and Lloyd kept going back and forth. I gripped the table, trying to block out the yelling while staying in the present. I'm not going to have another hallucination in public. One was bad enough! I just had to wait till they were done, which is when Shade gets back.

"Come on, Lloyd! Just man up and tell him!"

_"Come on boy, man up! Quit your crying. No one will adopt you if they see just how pathetic you are!"_

Not now.

First Spinjitzu Master, not now!

_"Do I need to get the belt to get you to stop crying?"_

"HEY NEURO!" someone yelled, snapping me back to reality.

I looked over and noticed Lloyd, Shade, and Kai were standing up and staring at me in concern and shock. I was still clenching the table with my hands; my knuckles were white. And for some reason, my face was wet.

_Why was my face wet?_

Kai sat down next to me. "Are you okay?" he asked softly. "You started crying when Lloyd and I had a playful argument."

"I-I..." I stammered, trying to slow my breathing. I was crying? _Stupid, stupid, stupid! I really am pathetic!_ I swallowed. "I'm okay. Just shaken."

"Are you sure? We could take you home, if you want." Kai offered.

I shook my head. "N-No, no. I'll be okay."

Kai gave me a worried look. "Alright, if you say so. But if you need anything let us know, okay?"

I nodded my agreement and Kai stood up, me following a second later. All of us exited the building and made our way to Shade's jeep.

"So, I'm driving. Who wants shotgun?" Shade asked.

"Lloyd can have it," Kai said slyly. Lloyd blushed.

"Uh, I think Neuro had it fir--"

"Yeah, but you can have it," I said. "It's only fair to take turns." I climbed into the back. Kai followed a moment later.

Shade climbed into the driver's seat and a blushing Lloyd climbed into the passenger seat. I smiled. Those two would be perfect together.

Unlike me and Kai. I didn't even deserve him, let alone anyone.

"Any music requests for the trip? The mall is almost an hour away," Shade said, starting the jeep and pulling out of the parking lot. "I got Hamilton Soundtrack, Carrie Underwood, The Fold, Garth Brooks, Shaina Twain, Brooks and Dunn, or Lauren Alaina."

"Didn't know you were a country fan," Lloyd stated, surprised. "But I vote for Garth Brooks. He's my all time favorite."

"I'm cool with anything," Kai added.

"Sure," I murmured and turned my head out the window.

Lloyd put the Garth Brooks CD in and cranked up the radio. I didn't mind. I was thinking over what had happened earlier.

_What if it happens again? Just a small argument set me off. What other small things could do just that? It used to never be a problem. But since the Tournament, I've been coming undone. More so since Kai came into my life. I don't want him to go, but if his absence helps make sure I don't wind up in a mental hospital, fine._

My heart clenched in pain. _I don't want to push him away. I don't want to push anyone away._

_One day,_ I promised myself, _This will be the one day I allow myself to be near Kai and the other Masters--even though its just Shade and Lloyd--then I'll lock myself away._

_No one should have to deal with my problems. I don't deserve anyone anyway._


	5. The Mall

The mall was packed when we got there. It was still early, but Shade had a hard time finding a parking spot. He eventually had to settle for a spot near the back of the lot, which meant we had to walk a bit to reach the mall's main entrance.

"Note to self," Lloyd said, "Don't buy too much stuff. Otherwise you'll hurt your arms carrying it back to the car."

Shade rolled his eyes. "I thought the Chosen One could handle anything? Including carrying bags to a car." He smirked at Lloyd.

Lloyd playfully punched Shade's shoulder. "Even the 'Chosen One' needs a break!"

_Look at them, enjoying themselves. Something you can never do or have_ , the voice whispered. I quietly sighed. It had a point. By the end of the day, I'll be nothing more than a memory to them. Someone they'll wonder what had happened to them after that day. I jumped out of Shade's jeep and joined them. Kai followed a moment after and we began to make our way across the parking lot towards the mall. 

"Any ideas on which store we should check out first?" Kai asked, matching his pace to mine. I felt a light blush creep onto my face as my heart skipped a beat. I viciously scolded myself. Being near Kai would only lead to my destruction. I needed to survive. I've come to far to just die.

_But wouldn't it be easier? To die? Nothing and no one can hurt you anymore._

"Hmm.....I've been wanting to check out this new outdoor sports store," Shade answered. "I would like to go there."

"Ooo! There's supposed to be a candy store next to it," Lloyd said, excitement entering his voice. "I want to check that out after the outdoor sports store."

"The stores I want to check out are on the other side. You know, like the clothing and indoor stuff," Kai admitted. 

"Where are you going to, Neuro?" Lloyd asked me, looking over his shoulder. We were almost to the entrance.

"I wanted to check out Hot Topic," I murmured.

"That's on the side Kai's going to, right?" Lloyd asked.

"Yeah."

"Uh, hate to be the bringer of bad news but, there's no way we are going to all the stores we want to before the mall closes," Kai pointed out.

"What do you mean? Doesn't the mall close at 9pm?" I asked.

"They changed the hours after Chen attacked. They close by 4pm now," Kai explained.

"So, what are we going to do?" Lloyd asked. We reached the entrance, but we stopped and moved to the side to discuss our plans. 

Shade looked thoughtful. I didn't like that look. _Maybe I should read his mind?_

"How about this," he began, before I could even attempt to use my powers, "Lloyd and I will go to the outdoor sports store and the candy shop, while you two," he points to Kai and then me, "go to Hot Topic and where Kai wants to go. That way, we all get to see the areas we want. We'll meet back at my jeep by 3:30, so we can leave before the rush. Sound good?"

"Sounds like a plan," Kai agreed. Lloyd nodded. I felt my blood freeze.

_Why must the people of Cloud Kingdom make me suffer? The last thing I wanted was to be alone with Kai!_ Not when my heart was begging to leave my chest at the thought of being alone with Kai.

I forced myself to breathe. I can handle a few hours. I just have to keep my sanity.

"Yep," I croaked, "That sounds great." 

Kai grinned "Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!" and he grabbed my arm. 

_"Let's go you little runt, you need a different punishment than the belt today."_

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed, ripping my arm out of Kai's grip. I stumbled back a few steps, breathing hard.

When I finally got my breathing under control, I felt rather than saw people staring at me. I looked up from the ground. Kai, Lloyd, Shade, and several bystanders were watching me. Some in shock, others in worry. 

"Are you sure you're okay, Neuro?" Kai asked, studying me with worry in his eyes.

My mouth felt dry. I swallowed. "I-I'm fine. J-just don't like people touching me without permission. Come on, let's go in before they close." I walked into the mall and weaved my way through the food court. Rapid footsteps approached me from behind before slowing down. In the corner of my eye, I made out Kai's face.

"Did you want to go to Hot Topic first?" Kai asked. He sounded awkward. 

_This is why you don't deserve anyone. You make them uncomfortable. Maybe because you are mentally fucked up._

"It's up to you," I replied, forcing the voice to the back of my mind. 

"We can go there first. Then to Game Stop. I promised Jay a new game for breaking his nun-chucks," Kai decided. I nodded and let him take the lead.

It was hard to keep up. The mall was packed and people would just randomly stop in the walk areas causing a "road block", making it harder for people to get where they were going. I hated this.

_"I don't know what to do with you. Do I lock you in the tiny storage closet again or the water punishment?"_

I hate feeling closed in.

Without thinking, I took Kai's hand in mine and squeezed. I didn't notice I did it until Kai squeezed my hand in return. I quickly looked down, noticed we were holding hands, and I yanked my hand away and shoved it into my pocket. I can take care of myself. I can't trust anyone.

Hot Topic's sign slowly came into view. I felt relief wash over me for a second before I realized there was a fountain in front of it. 

A huge fountain.

The bottom of it was three feet in height, with the water coming up to being only six inches from the top. The water spewed from the top, which was at least seven feet from the ground, landed in a mini disk a foot under it, before running into the bottom pool.

Running water.

_"Maybe we'll do water." I could hear the water running and filling up the bathtub as I strained as much as I could to get away. I hated this punishment. But the water kept running..._

I took a step back. "I-I change my m-mind," I stammered. "I-I'd rather j-join Shade a-and L-Lloyd."

Kai looked back at me, confused. "Why? I thought you wanted to go to Hot Topic."

My eyes never left the fountain. _Running water filling up the tub so she could shove me under._ "I-I just want to, okay?" 

_I could never take a bath after I ran from the foster home. Not after her continuous use of that punishment._

_Fill the tub almost to the brim. Grab me. Shove me under. Hold me there until I almost black out. Pull me up. Let me take a couple breaths. Shove me back down. Again. Again. Again. Over and over and over and over and over....._

I backed away. _I don't want to answer questions. Let me go._

I turned to run, but someone grabbed me. I heard Kai yell at someone to release me, but I wasn't paying attention.

I was more concerned about the fact that I was now _in_ the fountain.

I screamed.

_"Please, no!" I screamed. "I won't do it again, I promise! Don't do this to me!"_

_"You should of thought of that before you did it, you little runt," Miss Berg hissed at me, tightening her grip on my upper arm. I tried to yank myself away from her. She wouldn't budge. With her free hand, I saw her turn the water on for the bathtub. I struggled harder._

_"No! Not the water again! Please! I'll do anything! Just don't do this to me! I'm begging you!" I wailed._

_"This is why no one will ever love you. You're weak, pathetic, and stupid. You can't even listen to a simple order: Be Quiet!" she snarled in my ear. The tub finished filling up. She turned it off and picked me up. "For a twelve year old, you're pretty small." and with that, she shoved my head under the water._

_I thrashed, trying to free myself as the water rushed into my mouth and nose. I screamed into the water, which only let in more. When darkness began to crouch in the corners of my vision, I was yanked up out of the water. I gasped and coughed, trying to get air. Just as I was starting to breathe normally again, she shoved me back under. I thrashed again, but I was weak, like she said I was. She pulled me out again. "Please," I choked out. "Stop! I-I'll do anything. J-just d-don't put me u-under a-again!"  
_

_She didn't listen._

_Again and again and again and again and ag--_

I felt my head jerk up. My lungs burned. I began coughing and gasping again, but this time, no one was forcing me under the water. I was shivering and soaked, but I could tell someone was hugging me. I turned my head slightly to my left and up, where the person was.

It was Kai.

And I was curled up in his lap, my head resting against his chest. 

_I need to get up. I don't need his help. I can handle myself._

Just when I reached that decision, Kai looked at me, his grey eyes staring at me in concern and he asked: "Neuro? Are you alright?" and he gently placed his hand against my face.

I scowled and yanked myself away from him. Sure, I landed on my ass on the floor, but I got up and dusted myself off. I was still soaking wet though.

"I. Am. Fine," I bit out, turning to leave. Kai apparently wasn't having it though, because he darted in front of me.

"I don't think you are," he snapped. "First, you started crying at breakfast. Then you had a problem with me touching your shoulder. Now, when someone threw you in the fountain, where you were screaming at someone to stop. That you would do anything if they didn't put you under the water again. It took almost twenty minutes for you to come back to your senses after only being in the fountain for not even a minute!" 

"I don't know what you're talking about," I shot back.

"Bullshit! People wanted to call an ambulance, Neuro! The only reason you're not on a stretcher right now was because I convinced them that you were probably only having a panic attack and paramedics would only make it worse! The least you can do is tell me what is going on!" Kai screamed.

I glared at him. "I don't need your help. You'll only make it worse!" I screamed back. I darted around him and into the crowd. I could hear Kai yelling my name, but I kept running. People moved out of my way. Well, most did. Others tried to stop me, wanting to "help" me. But I knew better. They would throw me in a mental hospital with people who don't know what they are doing and label me a "lost cause". 

I burst out of the mall's main entrance and bolted to the bus stop, where, thankfully, a bus was pulling up. My wallet was soaked, but I managed to pull out the $2 fee as I climbed into the bus. I gave the driver the money and he gave me a ticket. I darted to the back of the bus and collapsed on the seat closes to the window, trying to catch my breath. Just as the bus began to drive away, I happened to look outside the window.

Kai was on the sidewalk, yelling and trying to flag down the bus driver. He didn't notice and the bus kept gaining speed. Eventually, Kai couldn't keep up and he stopped chasing the bus, watching it as it drove away. I kept my eyes on him until he was out of sight, then looked down at the floor.

_My heart ached. I don't want to leave him, but he can do so much better than me._

_I don't deserve anyone. No one would love me anyway._


	6. Lucky's Tavern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place 6 months before the events of "Ninjago Bridge Is Falling Down".
> 
> (It is 1 month after the events of last chapter-- "The Mall")
> 
> Also: DON'T MAKE THE DRINKS I MENTION I'M JUST WINGING IT AND HAVE NO IDEA HOW THEY WOULD TASTE!!

"Hey, Bartender! Can I get a Dragon's Tail? Shaken, not stirred!" a big, burly man shouted from his place at a table. I grimaced. He looked like he has never heard of "proper hygiene". _Even when I was living on the streets I knew how to keep myself at least presentable._ His friends, just as unshaven and filthy, howled with laughter. One playfully shoved the first guy, the one who had yelled his drink order at me. He shoved the other guy back and it became a little contest of who could shove one another the hardest. The other two guys began to root them on and encouraging them to keep going.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my shaker. Before I began, I turned to the bouncer, named Corey, and clicked my tongue four times. He turned to look at me, eyebrow raised. I replied by jerking my head at the four knock-off Sasquatches, who were still being too rowdy by the bar's expectations. Corey noticed, gave me a quick nod, and went over to them. Despite being a bar, Lucky's Tavern is more upscale. Here, if you acted like a wasted guy at a lower. cheap bar, you got one warning. The second time you did it, you got thrown out. Fortunately for the Sasquatches, this would be their first warning. _Though I would love for them to be thrown out. I can smell them from across the bar._ Once I saw the bouncer near the "men", I began filling my shaker with ice, I then poured eight ounces of Fireball Whiskey, two ounces of Smirnoff, and a shot of Crown Royal. I secured the shaker and began preparing the drink. Once properly shaken, I grabbed a glass and filtered the mixed drink into the glass and topped it off with a red pepper. I dumped the used ice into the sink and placed the shaker back on the counter and grabbed the Dragon's Tail. 

The four Sasquatches were still mucking around when I placed the drink in front of the man who ordered it. I tiredly made note of the table number: 14. They all stopped their shenanigans and laughter so they could stare at me. From the corner of my eye, I could see Corey slowly making his way back to his area. He won't turn around until he either got back there or heard something behind him. _I'm on my own for a few moments if shit goes down._

_But then again, when haven't I been alone when shit went down?_

"May I help you?" I asked, glaring at them. The guy with the drink leered at me.

"You're kind of cute," he slurred, leaning over the table and reaching for my wrist. I stepped back, yanking my arm away from his hands. He pouted at me. "Now do be like that baby~ You know you can't resist me~" and got up and started reaching for me again. I stepped onto his foot as hard as I could and began walking back to the bar. There was at least two others who wanted a drink, if I read everyone's minds correctly.

_You should check again. You have a knack for being wrong._

I stopped, checking again. _Yes, two. One wants an Old Fashioned and the other wants a Manhattan._ Satisfied, I started walking again.

However, my pause costed me.

A large hand roughly grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. I found myself staring up at the man who ordered the Dragon's Tail. And he looked mad.

I took a deep breath. "Sir, if you don't release me, I'll have you kicked out of the bar."

_That and memories are trying to take over the longer your hand is on my shoulder._

He leered at me again. "I don't think so. I'm not afraid of you." His grip tightened on my shoulder as I tried to squirm away.

"SECU-mmph!" I began to yell, but he cut me off by slamming his mouth onto mine, his other hand wrapping around my waist. I tried to push away from him, but his grip around my waist tightened and he shoved his tongue into my mouth. I could hear his friends cheering him on. In a last ditch effort, I used my powers to give him a split-second migraine. He released me in shock, clenching his head. I made a beeline for the bar, making sure to scream "SECURITY ESCORT TABLE 14 OUT OF THE BAR!!" as loud as I could.

Thankfully, Corey didn't ask and not even five minutes later, the four Sasquatches were gone. I just wish I could get the taste out of my mouth. His tongue was absolutely disgusting.

"Can I buy you a drink? You know, to get rid of taste of the guy's kiss out of your mouth," a brown-haired guest offered. He was sitting with two other boys; one with black hair and the other with blond. 

"I shouldn't drink on the job," I replied, preparing the Old Fashioned for the 40-something-year-old woman who had wanted it. "But thanks for the offer."

"Are you sure, Neuro? He seemed like the kind who hasn't bathed in a month," the brown-haired guy pointed out.

I went to decline again, but realized something. _How does he know my name? I forgot my name tag tonight._

Once I wrapped up making the Old Fashioned and the Manhattan and giving them to the proper guests, I turned my attention to the guy and his friends.

Only to recognize them as Lloyd, Shade, and Kai.

I swallowed. "H-hey. W-what are you g-guys doing h-here?" I stammered, nervously wiping down the counter. 

"What happened that day?!" Kai suddenly blurted out, eyes searching my face as if it held the answer.

I bit my lip and put my counter towel down and started cleaning up empty plates and glasses. "What day?" I asked, feigning ignorance.

Kai narrowed his eyes. "The mall," he stated, "when we all went there? You went with me to go check out the stores on the east side while Lloyd and Shade went to go look at the west side. I thought you had a panic attack, but you wouldn't tell me why. Instead, you ran outside and jumped onto the Ninjago City bus. Why did you do that?"

They all jumped when I slammed an empty dish carrier onto the counter and began throwing dishes into it for the servers to grab on their way to the back. It was now very slow in the bar. Not surprising since we close in less than twenty minutes.

"I don't want to talk about. Besides, I'm on the clock, can't be talking to you all," I snapped, almost throwing the now-full dish bin onto the servers' cart. 

_You're losing it,_ the voice whispered, _your temper is starting to rival the Master of Fire's. But at least he's sane, unbroken, and has people who care for him._

I took a shaky breath and turned away from them. _They're all sane and happy. I don't want to ruin it by burdening them with my problems._

"Neuro, you can talk to us. Um, if it helps, Shade is a medical student and would be able to help you better than me or Lloyd," Kai offered, voice soft. I could tell he was scared. Of me or for me. I didn't want to know.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to cleaning up the bar. "We close in," I checked my watch. "Five minutes," I said, a little surprised. I checked the clock on the wall. Yep, we close in five minutes.

_Was I so lost in my thoughts and conversation with them that I lost track of time?_

"I could give you a ride home," Kai offered. "Since, between these two," he points to Shade and Lloyd, "I'm the only one who hasn't had a single drink."

"You wreck my jeep I wreck your ass so bad you wind up in the ICU," Shade growled at Kai, but nonetheless surrendered his keys to Kai. Lloyd giggled.

"No thanks," I replied coldly, "I only live a couple blocks from here."

"I thought you lived in the Boardwalk Street Apartment Complexes?" Shade slurred, confusion written all over his face.

"I moved."

"Where?"

"By the harbor. Just about a mile south of the Main Street Bridge. You know, the one that spans the mile-wide Serpentine River."

Kai gaped at me. "How did you manage it?! The cheapest house in that area is almost 500,000 dollars!"

I couldn't help the proud smirk that appeared on my face. "Easy. The place is also full of run-down homes, where they only consist of their foundation and a skeletal framework of the house. I bought it six years ago and have been renovating it since. I just moved in a couple weeks ago. The apartments were just a temporary place until I finished."

_Just like everything in your life is temporary?_

"Cooooooooollllll," Lloyd drawled, grinning. Shade rolled his eyes.

"Remind me to not let you take nine tequila shots in a row," Kai groaned.

"Shade challenged my power! I must defend my honor!"

"By taking nine shots of tequila?"

"Shade had eleven of them!"

"So, in short, you failed to defend your honor."

Lloyd let out a mock gasp of offence as Shade broke down laughing.

Kai shook his head. "And this is why I'm driving."

"Wise move," I commented. Kai looked at me, sending my heart racing.

_Stop it he would never love you._

"You sure you don't want a ride? You look exhausted," he murmured. I heard a _thump_ behind Kai and noticed that Lloyd and Shade have now engaged into a tickle fight, with the former trying to redeem his honor.

"I'm sure," I said, heart trying to leave my chest, "But it appears you have your hands full with those two. Tequila can really fuck someone up." 

"I could use your help in keeping me sane," Kai replied.

"You are sane. I'm sure you can handle it."

"Please Neuro?"

I look over at him, his grey eyes meeting my golden ones. I tried to keep my position, but the pleading look in Kai's eyes finally broke me.

"Fine," I sigh, "But I won't be done until my work area is clean and the alcohol is properly stored away."

Kai's eyes lit up. "Thank the First Spinjitzu Master! I also don't know where Shade lives so maybe you can help me?"

I shook my head. "I have no idea where he lives."

"Shit. I was going to have Lloyd crash at his house so Sensei didn't see that I let him drink."

"Wait, wait, wait. You were supposed to make sure Lloyd stayed sober but let him take tequila shots?"

"Shade talked him into it, which made me have to stay sober."

"And now they are both drunk."

"Is tequila that strong?"

"Most of the time, if someone is streaking in the bar or causing fights they had at least two tequila shots."

Kai slammed his head into the table. "There is no way I'm going to be able to convince Sensei that Lloyd is sober. Nor would he approve of Shade staying on the Destiny's Bounty knowing Shade had been drinking."

"Maybe you three could stay at my place? I have two guest rooms plus my room," I offered without thinking. Once I realized what I said, panic seized my heart.

_How am I going to hide my night terrors from them?_

After the mall fiasco, my hallucinations have subsided a bit. However, they manifested into "night terrors", episodes where I am having an extreme nightmare, but I can't wake up and, while asleep, I am screaming out loud, thrashing, and flailing. The only reason I know I'm doing this is because I recorded myself one night because I didn't know why I was waking up with a raw throat and bruises and scratches all over me.

_I can't let them know. Maybe if I'm lucky, I won't have one tonight._

"Really?" Kai gasped, relief flooding his face. "Oh, thanks Neuro! I greatly appreciate it!"

My heart leaped when he said that. _Stop! He doesn't love you! He is using you!_

"Just let me finish cleaning up," I said. I heard footsteps to my right and turned to look at my boss, Michael.

"Excuse me, sir, but we are closed," he said, approaching Kai. Lloyd and Shade were currently on the ground, looking like they were playing "rock, paper, scissors".

"Um, Michael?" I started, "That's my ride."

Michael looked at me, stunned. "Oh." he said after a moment. "Well, what about those two?" He pointed to Lloyd and Shade.

"I'm babysitting them," Kai explained shortly. 

Michael sighed. "They break anything I'm charging you for it," he told Kai and he left.

"And I'll make them pay for it," Kai mumbled under his breath.

I rolled my eyes and began putting away the alcohol. "I just have to put this stuff away and wipe everything down, then we can go."

I saw Kai nod from the corner of my eye, but I wasn't focused on that.

_How am I supposed to keep them from knowing?_

My heart clenched in dread and fear.

_Oh, First Spinjitzu Master, please don't let them find out anything!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this is my first work on AO3. Especially with this dark of a theme. Comments and constructive criticism is appreciated!


	7. Night Terrors

"Done, we can go," I announced, throwing the dirty towel into the bin of laundry and swiftly clocking out for the night.

"Good!" Kai gasped, "because I can't get Shade or Lloyd in the jeep."

"What are they doing?" I asked, exasperation flooding through me.

"Uh.....playing hide and seek and I can't find them."

"You're shitting me."

"Nope."

"Damn it. I've dealt with drunks since 4pm today and it's almost 3am, my patience has run out," I growled, "SHADE LOVEQ AND LLOYD GARMADON IF YOU DON'T SHOW YOURSELVES THIS INSTANT I WILL GIVE YOU BOTH THE WORST MIGRAINES OF YOUR LIVES!!"

"NO!" Lloyd wailed, darting out from one of the booths. "I DON'T WANT A MIGRAINE!"

"Neither do I!" Shade cried, appearing out of the shadows.

Kai sighed. "And this is why I need your help."

I rolled my eyes. "Where's the jeep?"

"Out front."

"Alright, both of you, let's go. Or else."

Shade and Lloyd were out that door faster than Turner could of done. I sighed. _My already long night is about to get longer. I just want to go to bed. Never thought I'd prefer Night Terrors over two drunk idiots that love each other but can't admit it to save their lives._

I walked out after them, Kai just a few steps behind me. Shade and Lloyd were currently clambering into the back seat, bickering about who had gotten in first. I bit back a groan a climbed into the passenger seat as Kai got behind the wheel. 

"So, the harbor area?" Kai asked me, starting the car.

"Yeah," I murmured. "I live on Eighth Avenue. House 3891."

Kai nodded and pulled out of the parking lot, turning left onto Seventh Avenue. I turned my head out the window, watching the buildings pass as Shade and Lloyd debated on which superhero was more badass; Captain Marvel or Captain America, respectively. I didn't watch movies or read comic books, so where those characters came from was beyond me.

Before I knew it, Kai was pulling the jeep into the driveway of my house. I climbed out and went to unlock my door, leaving Kai to deal with the drunken idiots. I walked inside and turned on the lights. There was a huge window on the wall to the right of the door outside, looking into the living room. The floor was open and to the left, back corner resided my kitchen with a center island and the dining room placed in the left, front corner. I turned to the wall directly next to the door and hung up my jacket. I began to make my way to the right side of the house, where a hallway led to a staircase and the master bedroom and bathroom.

"We'll have to get them up the stairs to the spare bedrooms," I said as I looked over my shoulder at Kai, who had managed to get the idiots into the house. Lloyd immediately bolted to the couch and flopped onto it, falling asleep instantly. Shade, not to be outdone, jumped onto Lloyd and quickly followed suit. "Or they sleep on the couch." I sighed.

Kai laughed. "That too. Anyway, nice place," he walked to the kitchen. "Any snacks?" 

"I think I have cereal," I mumbled, following him. 

Kai looked in the cupboards--the mostly bare cupboards--and managed to find the cereal, a box of Honey Nut Cheerios. "You don't have much in here," he commented, pulling out a bowl.

"I don't eat much," I replied, opening the fridge to pull out the milk. Other than that, only a dozen eggs, cheese, water bottles, apples, and some oranges resided in the fridge. I didn't need much; just that stuff would last me at least two weeks.

I passed the milk to Kai, who poured it into the bowl. "But that isn't enough for just one person. Maybe a child, sure, but not an adult."

"How do you know? I just can't eat that much."

"Are you anorexic?"

"Ano-what now?"

"Anorexic. Where you purposely eat less food than you need to for whatever reason."

"I am NOT anorexic! I just can't eat that much! I've been like this since I've been six!"

Kai put his hands up in surrender at my venomous glare. "Okay, okay, I was just worried about you."

_Bullshit. No one cares about me, let alone worries for me._

I just rolled my eyes and put the milk on the island's smooth top. "I'm going t--"

A thud from the living room cut me off. Kai went over to investigate, only to cover his mouth in an attempt not to laugh. "Shade fell off the couch."

I bit my lip, a flicker of amusement bubbling in my chest. "Did he wake up?"

"Nope," Kai laughed softly. "He's still out like a light."

"Well, as I was saying, I'm going to go to bed," I said, making my way to the hallway. "Feel free to claim on of the guest rooms upstairs. But under NO circumstance am I to be woken up BEFORE TEN AM OR ELSE THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY!"

"Alright. Noted, "Kai said nervously. "I hope you sleep well," and took a bite of his cereal. I quietly sighed and disappeared down the hall and entered the last door on the right. I shut the door and quickly changed into my pajamas before crawling into bed.

_"Where are you pathetic little shit?!" I could hear my father yell, shaking the walls of the house. I covered my head as I crouched behind the couch, praying to whoever was listening that he didn't find me._

_I messed up. I had taken too much food from the fridge. Enough where my father had noticed. I could only eat what I was given or what I bought, which wasn't enough. I took food from the fridge, but never too much that it was noticeable. But I was so hungry. I've only had an apple over the course of two weeks and my stomach hurt from hunger. I got greedy._

_"There you are," I froze as my father's icy voice came from above me. I shakily looked up at him, his face twisted in anger and hatred. Roughly, he grabbed me by my hair and yanked me out from behind the couch. I screamed. He threw me as hard as he could into the hardwood floor._

_I tried to get up, but a sharp kick in my chest launched me into the stone fireplace. I gasped as the wind was knocked out of me. My father picked me back up by my hair. I started crying._

_Big mistake._

_"You're pathetic!" my father screamed, using his free hand to punch me in the eye. "Stop crying!" he punched my other eye, then each cheek before he threw me into the stone fireplace again._

_"Stop, please," I whimpered, tears streaming down my aching, stinging face. My father sneered at me._

_"You know the rules. You can't have food that isn't yours!" he screamed, kicking me in the chest again. Once again, he picked me up by my hair and slammed me into the floor. Through blurry vision, I could see blood on the floor around me. My blood._

_He grabbed me again and began to repeatedly slam me into the floor. "STOP!" I sobbed "Plea-ea-se!"_

_My father lifted me back up and moved enough where I could see our glass coffee table in the corner of my eye._

_"NO!" I screamed. "PLEASE NO! I WON'T DO IT AGAIN! PLE--"_

Icy cold water woke me from the nightmare. I gasped in shock before coughing roughly. Once I got my breath back, I noticed I was on the floor, tangled in my blanket, shivering from the cold water. My eyes drifted up to see where the water had come from, only to meet a pair of grey eyes that were filled with fear and worry. Behind them, was a pair of blue eyes, blurry with sleep but alert. 

Kai and Shade.

_Fuck._

"M-may I help you?" I asked, looking back at Kai.

Kai looked back at me. "Yeah. Answer this question: What were you dreaming about? You were screaming and when I came in here, you were thrashing around and then you fell off the bed. I went to wake you up, but Shade came in and told me to douse you with water, from a distance, until you woke up. It took me nine one-gallon buckets before you woke up."

I swallowed. "Shade's up? Is Lloyd up, too? Do they need pain killers or anything?"

I flinched when Kai scowled at me. _My father scowling at me as I kept begging him not to smash me through the glass coffee table. Pleas that fell on deaf ears--_

"Ninjago to Neuro!" Kai's face appeared before mine, causing me to jerk backwards away from him. "Hey, are you listening to me? I told you not to change the subject when we are trying to help you."

  
"J-just back off," I spat, pulling myself off the floor. However, my right ankle had other plans. The moment I got to my feet, my ankle buckled under my weight and I pitched to the floor. Only reason I didn't land on the floor was because Kai caught me.

"Did you hurt yourself?" Kai asked, looking at my right foot. 

"I don't know," I mumbled, staring at the ground.

"Maybe when you were thrashing around, you hit your foot on something," Shade suggested, "You should get it looked at."

"Can't you look at it?" I pleaded. "I don't want to go to the ER at almost 4 in the morning."

Shade gave me a confused look. "Uh, it's one in the afternoon. You started screaming at around 11 this morning."

"Oh," I stated. 

"Come on. I'll take you in. Shade, can I borrow your jeep?" Kai asked, looking over to the Shadow Master.

Shade narrowed his eyes, but gave Kai the keys. "If I find one scratch on it, I'll make sure Ninjago never hears from you again."

"Can I not go?" I asked. I don't want to deal with doctors.

"You're going," Kai and Shade said at the same time.

I sigh in defeat. "Can I at least get dressed?"

"Do you need help?" Kai offered.

"No!" I snapped. Kai stepped back, shocked at my outburst. I swallowed. "No. I can handle it. Just get me a shirt and a pair of pants."

Kai sighed but helped me sit on the bed. He got me a shirt and a pair of pants then left with Shade. 

I changed out of my pajamas and put on the dark blue shirt on followed by the grey sweatpants. _Should I put shoes on?_ A quick look at my, now swollen, ankle told me there was no way in the name of the First Spinjitzu Master was I getting a shoe onto the foot.

I sighed and tried to get up again, only for my ankle to give out and I crashed onto the floor. Before I knew it, Kai was back in the room, helping me up.

"I swear if you tell your friends about this I'll make sure you never walk again," I growled.

"Noted," Kai replied. Then, much to my shock and embarrassment, scooped me into his arms in a bridal style carry and left my room.

"Put me down!" I yelled, trying to free myself from the hold. We entered the main area. Lloyd was laying on the couch, an ice pack against his head. Shade sat on the chair next to Lloyd. They looked over at us when we walked by, and both tried not to laugh.

"No can do. Don't want you aggravating your injury," Kai cheekily replied as we exited the house and approached the jeep. He managed to open the passenger door and put me onto the seat.

"Your presence is more aggravating than my ankle!" I hissed, but put the seat belt on. Kai did as well, then started the vehicle and pulled out of my driveway. I looked at my ankle.

It was still swollen, with a purple-blackish bruise forming on the side of it. I sighed.

_I'm sure I'm about to get an ankle brace the moment the doctor sees this._


	8. Hospital Visit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait.
> 
> Writer's block is real.
> 
> And I had half the chapter written before AO3 decided it didn't like it and destroyed the chapter.
> 
> It tried to do it again, but I put it in a word doc in order to protect it.
> 
> So here is Chapter 8! Sorry if it seems rushed.

_Can someone go insane from silence?_

_Yes,_ I internally sigh, _most of my life has consisted of silence and I'm starting to go insane. Not counting this car ride._

Kai hasn't spoken to me at all. He didn't even have the radio on. I looked down at my ankle, now swollen and bruised, before turning my attention to the window. I know Kai wanted me to open up to him, he wanted to help me-to _save_ me-but he can't do that unless I tell him what is wrong. I want to, but I can't. He wouldn't be able to handle a fraction of my pain. He'd have to turn to therapists or shrinks to get me help and I'll be damned if I go to one of those people of my own free will.

I studied the people we passed as Kai drove through the residential areas to get to the freeway and, from there, the hospital. All of the ones I saw looked happy, content, free of any shadows gliding through their minds and hands reaching out from the corner of their eyes to harm them.

I flicked my eyes away from the window and back to my ankle. I'm supposed to work tonight-I'm not missing a shift-but I'll have to be confined to the bar and have the servers deliver the drinks. And I know my boss is understanding. I just have to explain the situation and he can make accommodations. Kai, Lloyd, and Shade won't stop me from going in to work. It's bad enough they insist on being part of my life.

I sighed quietly. I both wanted them in my life and wanted them gone. I didn't understand why I wanted them to be a part of my life-I didn't deserve such a blessing-but I did and I secretly hope that they want to stay, too.

The jeep jerked suddenly, startling me out of my thoughts. I heard Kai mumble "Sorry, curb." before turning into the hospital's ER parking lot. _Shit._

Kai parked the jeep and shut it off before climbing out. I undid the seat belt and opened my door, preparing to hobble to the entrance-even though I'd rather _flee-_ when Kai appeared and opened his arms to me. I felt confused for a moment before I realized he wanted to carry me.

"Don't. Touch. Me." I growled, "I can handle myself just fine."

"I don't want you hurting yourself further," Kai replied. "As a Ninja, it's my job to help people who need it. You're one of them."

I scowled to hide the pang of pain that struck my heart. _Scratch the hope of him staying. He only cares about doing his job and not me._

I slid out of the jeep, knocking his arms away from me, and began to hop towards the sliding glass doors of the ER. _I don't need him. I don't need ANYONE!_

The doors made a _swoosh_ sound as I hopped through. The receptionist was currently typing away on the computer and filling out a couple sheets of paper work. I swallowed nervously as I approached the desk. The receptionist looked up at me over brown rimmed, rectangular glasses.

"May I help you?" he asked, moving the papers aside and preparing to enter my information into the system.

"I injured my ankle pretty bad and was hoping to get it examined?" I replied, leaning onto the desk for support.

"Name?"

"Neuro Pathis."

"How did you injure your ankle?"

"I was hiking in the woods and my foot got caught in a hole and I twisted it."

"Bullshit," someone said from behind me. I groaned. I never knew I could want to slam my head into something so much than in that moment.

The receptionist stopped typing my info into the computer and looked over my shoulder at Kai as he came up to stand on my left side. I glared at him.

"So, Mr. Pathis, how did you injure your ankle?" the receptionist asked again, looking at me. I opened my mouth to tell him the story I had originally given him, but Kai beat me to it.

"He was having a really bad nightmare last night and was thrashing around and slammed his ankle into something," Kai answered, glaring right back at me.

"No. I wasn't. I was hiking-" I began. Kai flicked his wrist at me, narrowing his eyes.

"Neuro, that's not true-"

"It is."

"No, it's not! I'm trying to help you!"

"Well maybe I don't want your help!"

Someone coughed, clearing their throat. It was the receptionist. Kai and I turned back to him, though my anger at Kai did not subside.

"Excuse me, Mr.....?" the receptionist trailed off, looking at Kai.

"Smith," Kai angrily mumbled.

"Mr. Smith. Unfortunately, seeing as Mr. Pathis is the patient, I'll have to take his word over yours. You're all checked in, by the way, Mr. Pathis," the receptionist explained. I smiled and quickly thanked him before hopping over to the waiting room. Kai followed me, I could feel his glare penetrating into my back as I collapsed into the closet available chair.

Kai sat down next to me. "Why did you lie to them?! They need to know the real reason you were hurt!" he hissed at me. I turned my gaze downward. "Don't ignore me, Neuro. You _lying_ is making it clear you need more help than I once thought."

"And who said I needed _your_ help?! I'm doing just fine on my own!" I shot back.

"No you ar-" Kai began, but was cut off by a nurse calling my name. 

I got up and approached her. Without even looking at Kai, I asked her "Can I be examined _without_ my ride?"

She blinked at me. "As a patient, it's your right to decide who is in the room with you. If you just want to be by yourself, we will accommodate."

"Alright," I said, "I would like it if I was by myself and my ride here," I glared at a fuming Kai, "can stay in the waiting room."

"Very well," the nurse said, "Follow me then Mr. Pathis." she turned away and started walking.

With one final glare at Kai, I turned and followed her.

She led me to the fifth examine room. I hopped over to the chair next to the desk and sat down, extending my injured foot outward. _Fuck it hurts!_

"So," the nurse began, pulling out the blood pressure cloth, "How did you hurt your ankle?"

"I was hiking and I got it stuck in a hole and twisted it," I replied as she checked my vitals. Once she finished, she wrote it down on some papers, told me to sit tight, and left.

I sighed. I really didn't want to be here. It reminded me too much of when-

_No,_ I scolded myself, _No flashbacks right now. Surely I can go one day without one?_

I sucked in a breath and slowly released it. _Maybe I should distract myself?_

My eyes looked around the room. Only a cabinet full of medical supplies, the desk with the computer on it, the bed, and the chair I'm sitting in now were in the room with me. I looked at my foot. Still bruised and swollen. _Great._

The doctor entered the room a few seconds later. "Hello, Mr. Pathis. I'm Doctor Wiehbush. I heard you had an incident when hiking?" 

"Yeah. I wasn't paying much attention," I replied.

"Alright. I'll have you set up on the bed over there so I can look at your foot better," Dr. Weihbush said, putting gloves on. I hopped over to the bed and pulled myself up, my injured foot straight out. I took a deep breath to calm my nerves.

I hate being touched.

Dr. Weihbush felt around my ankle with his gloved hands, concern written all over his face. I bit my lip looking elsewhere. The walls, the desk, the ceiling. Anywhere except where Dr. Weihbush was. 

_Please finish up!_ I internally screamed. 

Right as I was about to yank my foot away, _because First Spinjitzu Master I hated being touched especially by doctors,_ he pulled his hands away and scowled at my foot.

"I'll have to have a x-ray done," he said, "because you did a _lot_ more than just twisted it."

I swallowed back my nerves, trying to compose myself. "O-okay," I gasped out. _Just please don't touch me like that again!_

Dr. Weihbush just nodded, said x-ray would be in shortly, and left. I breathed a sigh of relief.

Hopefully x-ray won't touch my foot. That might cause my composure to fall to pieces.

Kai was probably still in the waiting room, furious with me no doubt, but a small part of me wanted him in the room with me. Mostly because I hated the doctor's office and I hated them _touching me and poking me and-_

I gasped for air as I realized I was starting to hyperventilate. Forcing myself to breathe, I got myself under control. If I had a panic attack here, I was fucked. If I had a hallucination here, I was fucked. If I showed _any_ signs of not being "mentally sound", _I was fucked!_

The sound of the door opening and something being wheeled in snapped me out of my thoughts. _X-ray is here,_ I muttered internally, watching the doctor's get it set up.

"Alright Mr. Pathis, we'll have you put your foot here," the x-ray doctor said. I did as I was told and they quickly took photos before leaving as fast as they came.

It was another twenty minutes of waiting-and blocking bad memories and hallucinations-before Dr. Weihbush came back with the x-ray results.

"Well, you shattered your ankle," he started, "so it will be put into a cast and you'll have to keep it on for six to eight weeks. I'm going to give you a shot of Morphine to help with the pain."

I swallowed, "Is it a shot?" _Please don't be a shot! I can't sta-_

"Yes, it's a shot," Dr. Weihbush replied, "I have a nurse bringing it up now."

I felt my heart pick up as my blood ran cold. Dr. Weihbush noticed my stricken expression.

"Not a fan of needles?" he asked, as the door opened to allow the nurse with the shot in. I shook my head.

"Yeah. I-I don't need a shot! I'm just fine!" I gasped, leaning away from the nurse as she readied the needle.

Dr. Weihbush sighed. "I'm afraid I have to give it to you, otherwise I might be charged with malpractice for not fully treating a patient. Just keep your eyes on the ceiling. Nurse Jackson will be quick. I promise."

I took a ragged breath as the nurse lifted my sleeve. He quickly sanitized the area and took the cover off the needle. Not wanting to watch, I did as Dr. Weihbush said and looked up. I felt a sharp pain in my arm before I felt a bandage being placed. 

"Alright. I'll have your ride come get you and your crutches, because you might be a little out of it," Dr. Weihbush explained. I hardly heard him. My vision was blurry.

"How much Morphine did you give me?" I slurred. Dr. Weihbush checked my records. A moment later, shock flashed across his face and he let out a quiet curse.

"Shit. I gave you a little too much. It should be alright, you just might experience hallucinations, but I want your ride to monitor your condition in case things go wrong," Dr. Weihbush explained. "Can someone get his ride from the waiting room?"

The nurse took off. I opened my mouth to protest, or curse, or yell, I don't know, but my world began to spin and faded to black just as I saw Kai enter the room.

My last conscience thought was: 

_Why are the people of Cloud Kingdom trying to fuck me over?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will have both Neuro's AND Kai's perspectives. Mainly because Neuro is going to be a "little" loopy.


	9. Mental Road Trip

_ Kai _

I sighed as I hosted Neuro over my shoulder and collected his new crutches from the doctor. The doctor, Dr. Weihbush, kept apologizing to me for his mistake, but I ignored him and stormed out the door. The only reason I didn't scream at him was because Neuro needed my help right now. How the hell Dr. Weihbush made a mistake like that, is beyond me. How hard is it to double check Neuro’s weight to ensure he gets the right dose?

_He got more than his weight required. He got the amount that people of his age and average weight would get._

I looked at Neuro who was slung over my shoulder. He was far lighter than I originally thought he would be. _How much does he weigh? Is he eating the amount of food he’s supposed to eat? Is…is Neuro anorexic?_

_If that’s the case, why? What else does he struggle with? Maybe I or Shade or Lloyd could help him._

My concern quickly vanished into anger as I put Neuro in the jeep. Had Neuro just let me _help_ we wouldn't be in this situation! His insistence on doing things himself and refusing any help from others makes me just want to slap him in hopes of knocking some sense into him.

_Holy shit is this how the others feel about me?!_ I realized. Neuro was practically acting like _me_ and I was in the position my friends are normally in. I made a mental note to get them a treat later, once Neuro was going to be okay. When that would be, I didn't know.

I climbed into the driver's seat and started the jeep, making sure to put my seat belt on, before pulling out of the parking lot and towards the interstate to get Neuro home.

I flicked the radio on, unable to bear the silence. I guess that's what happens when you live with six other people-silence becomes too weird and unbearable. _If Jay was here, he'd be cracking jokes, either about how we are louder than a pack of Treehorns or about how Neuro "tripped" into a painful situation. Though that is NOT how Neuro injured his ankle._

My left hand involuntarily moved to touch the new bruise on the side of my head, just above my left ear. _Shade was right. Never get near someone who is sleeping and is moving, either flailing their limbs or walking around. But I got to give Neuro some credit here. He can sure as hell kick when he needs to!_

An old country song, I think the artist is Garth Brooks judging on the voice, was playing when Neuro began to wake up. I smiled when I saw his bright, golden eyes were open. Though I didn't like how wide his pupils were or that giddy look on his face.

"Hey, Neuro," I said, keeping my eyes on the road, but I felt his gaze on me, "How are you feeling?"

I heard Neuro let out a childish giggle. _Oh no……._

"I feel great, Mr. Strawberry! Why are you a strawberry? Do all berries talk?" he let out a gasp. "HAVE I BEEN EATING PEOPLE OF A WHOLE OTHER WORLD?!"

I looked over him from the corner of my eye, only to jerk in surprise and cause the vehicle to swerve when I saw his face almost against mine.

"Get back in your seat!" I hissed, getting the vehicle back in control. 

"Why Mr. Strawberry? Won't the graham cracker break if I sit on it?" Neuro tilted his head, a slight pout on his face.

"No," I reply, internally cursing any higher being for putting me into this situation, "It's really strong! It won't break."

Thankfully, Neuro settled back into the passenger seat, and turned his gaze outward. A few moments passed, with another old female country artist playing on the radio, when Neuro spoke again.

"How did you make this vehicle out of graham crackers? Oh! Is there any other berries or food that talk and act like you as well? How advanced is the Society of Berries? Where do you live? Are you married? What's your lif--"

I turned up the radio as loud as it could go, thankfully drowning out Neuro's stream of questions about the "Society of Berries" and about how remorseful he was for eating them. I kept my focus on the road, noticing that we were a few minutes away from Neuro's house. I sighed. _When I get Neuro back, I'm making Shade and Lloyd help me babysit him. There is no way I'm going to be able to watch him without losing my temper._

Steering Shade's jeep down the last few blocks felt like a lifetime. I mostly managed to ignore Neuro's high ramblings by keeping the radio at max volume, but once we get inside, all hell will break loose. I groaned as I pulled into the driveway and turned off the jeep.

Neuro immediately started trying to get the seat belt off. "Mr. Strawberry I can't get it _ooofff."_ he wailed as he kept pulling at the belt. I took a deep breath, climbed out of the jeep, and made my way over to the passenger side.

"Hold still," I muttered and quickly undid the seat belt. 

Neuro wasted no time in jumping out of the vehicle. " _ADVENTURE! Come on Mr. Strawberry!"_ he screamed before running to the door.

Or, more accurately, _into_ the door.

I cringe when I heard the _thump_ and _thud_ of Neuro hitting the door and then falling back onto his ass.

Slowly, I made my way over to Neuro, taking the extra time to compose myself and to get my temper under control. Zane had advised me to try meditating, or at the very least to count down from ten before my temper gets the better of me.

_Oh, First Spinjitzu Master, please give me Zane’s patience to deal with Neuro_

Neuro had begun to stagger to his feet, quietly cursing the door for not opening when he came up. I climbed up the short, small steps to Neuro’s side, grabbed his upper left arm, and I yanked him up to his feet.

He immediately burst into a fit of giggles.

I opened my mouth to tell him to shut up, but the door opening cut me off. Neuro let out a gasp before ripping himself away from me to bombard the person in the door with questions.

“Is it true?! Is there really a nation of talking berries?! Well, I think so! What’s your name Mr. Blackberry? I’m Neuro! Ooo! WHAT IS THAT?!” Neuro rambled before darting into the house, leaving me and “Mr. Blackberry” in the doorway.

“What the actual fuck?” Shade gawked, watching as Neuro jumped onto Lloyd, declaring him “a tree of the Berry Nation” that must be climbed.

“The doctor gave him too much of the pain medicine,” I sighed, walking into the house. Shade closed the door and we both went over to where Lloyd was currently trying to pry a giggling Neuro off him.

“Shade!” Lloyd wailed, “Please get him off me!”

“Why don’t you ask Kai? Isn’t he your ‘protector’?” Shade deadpanned.

“You’re stronger than him! And…um…just help me please?!” Lloyd mumbled, a light red hue on his face.

“Hey!” I gasped. “I can lift Neuro just fine!”

Shade’s eyebrows raised for a moment, before his face turned into a smirk. “And?” he prompted.

Lloyd’s embarrassment—and blush—only grew. “And…what?”

“What were you going to say after you mentioned that I’m stronger than Kai?”

“You are not stronger than me!” I protested.

Neuro grinned and tightened his grip and Lloyd’s shoulders. “The Tree of the Berry Nation has a crush on Mr. Blackberry!” he declared.

“Can you shut up?!” Lloyd hissed at Neuro. He only got a laugh in response.

Shade’s smirk grew and he crossed his arms, “I’m waiting.”

“I-I-uh…...” Lloyd stammered. I chuckled as Lloyd struggled for words.

Unfortunately, Neuro decided at that moment he was bored of climbing the tree and jumped off Lloyd. I, Shade, and Lloyd watched as Neuro fell flat onto his face, get up, and launch himself over the couch and onto the floor in front of said couch.

“Uh, Neuro? Buddy? What are you doing?” Lloyd called. Neuro popped up and grinned.

“I got hot, so I decided to go swimming, silly tree! Aren’t you hot?” Neuro replied before disappearing in front of the couch again.

Shade rubbed his face with his hands. “This is going to be a long day.”

‘Doesn’t Neuro work tonight?” Lloyd questioned, pointedly staring at his feet. I held back a grin at the still evident blush on his face.

“Do you really think he’s capable of working?” Shade replied.

“…No…”

“Then we’ll have to tell Neuro’s boss he ain’t going to be working tonight,” Shade explained. “I think I remember where he works, but Kai is going to direct me.”

“Wait, we’re leaving now? What about Neuro?” I gasped. I quickly looked to where Neuro was now, only to have to bite back a groan. He was currently making faces at his reflection on the coffee table.

“I’m the real Neuro!” Neuro yelled at his reflection. He scowled. “No, I am!”

“I don’t think he should be here by himself,” I said, turning back to Shade.

“He won’t be by himself,” Shade rolled his eyes. “Lloyd will be with him.”

“What?!” Lloyd yelped. “Why me?!”

“I’m sure the Green Ninja can take care of himself,” Shade answered. “And I don’t think Neuro will be much of a problem.” He pointed to where Neuro was still arguing with his reflection about who the real Neuro was.

“Fair point,” Lloyd sighed. “But please hurry back.”

“Of course, because you still have to finish your sentence from earlier,” Shade grinned and began to make his way to the door.

Lloyd’s face instantly went red and I burst out laughing. “Good luck Lloyd,” I winked and quickly followed Shade out to the jeep.

“Keys,” Shade demanded, holding out his hand. I rolled my eyes and pulled the keys out of my pocket and surrendered them to Shade.

I climbed into the passenger seat as Shade started up the jeep. He pulled out and began the short drive to Lucky’s Tavern.

“Do you think Neuro will be okay?” Shade asked suddenly, eyes not leaving the road.

“Not if he keeps bottling everything up,” I sighed. “We know practically nothing about what is wrong; he insists he’s fine when he’s clearly not.”

“I agree. I’m afraid he might break. Sooner rather than later,” Shade added.

I frowned. “There has to be some way we could help him. Maybe we could ask Skylor to absorb Neuro’s powers and read his mind?”

“Skylor’s powers still haven’t fully returned after the Tournament, so that’s out,” Shade answered. “Hmm…well, what have we observed so far?”

“What do you mean?”

“Neuro won’t tell us what’s wrong, and we can’t read minds. We might be able to learn something by making notes about things that set Neuro off,” Shade explained.

“Oh,” I muttered. “Well, we can do that when we get back.”

Shade let out a non-committal hum and steered the vehicle into the parking lot of Lucky’s Tavern.

Once he turned off the vehicle, I jumped out and began walking to the doors. Shade caught up pretty quick and we both entered the tavern. 

It was almost deserted, with only workers running about and getting prepared for later tonight. One of the workers noticed us and made his way over to where we were standing.

“Anything I can get you two?” he asked. Just by his tone, I could tell he was slightly annoyed at us. _Probably didn’t want customers so soon._

“Yes, we would like to speak with the manager about his employee Neuro Pathis,” Shade answered, stepping forward.

The guy sighed. “I am the manager. Name’s Michael. What has he gotten himself into this time?”

I blinked in shock. _“This time?” what has Neuro been getting into without us around?_

However, before I could ask, Shade cut me off—much to my annoyance.

“He hurt his foot earlier and the doctors gave him too much of pain medication,” Shade explained. “He won’t be at work tonight or for the next couple days.”

“Alright. Tell him he’s got the week off, but I expect him to report for work after the week is up—which starts tomorrow—but I’ll try to accommodate for his foot injury. How’d he injure it anyway?” Michael sighed.

“He was having a night terror and when that idiot,” Shade pointed to me to which I flipped him off in return, “tried to wake him up so he kicked said idiot in the head hard enough to break his ankle.”

“Did you tell Neuro how he did it?” Michael asked.

“No,” Shade and I answered simultaneously.

“We didn’t want him to feel bad,” Shade quickly explained when Michael looked at us confused.

“Oh, well, then I won’t tell him. You two should get going then. Wouldn’t want to leave Neuro alone until he’s come back to his senses,” he said.

Shade and I quickly said our goodbyes and exited the tavern. We got into the jeep and Shade began to drive the distance back to Neuro’s house.

“Do you think Lloyd is okay?” I asked after a couple minutes of driving. “We did leave him with a higher than a kite Neuro.”

“If he can handle the Overlord, I’m sure the Chosen One can handle anything,” Shade answered.

“Fair,” I conceded before turning my attention out the window.

\----------------------

_ Neuro _

My head was killing me.

I, for some reason, felt myself start to come around underneath a table. My head was hurting worse than my ankle and my throat felt like sandpaper.

Groaning, I slowly pulled myself out from under the table only to realize something.

This wasn’t my house.

This was my childhood home.

It was surprisingly quiet. I guess my “parents” must still be sleeping.

I sat there for a few minutes, trying to wrap my head around my new location. Was everything I experienced in my life just a dream? Was I kidnapped? Did I die and this is what lies on the other side?

The creaking of the front door opening snapped my out of my thoughts. I turned my head towards the door, trying to figure out who had entered. My blood froze.

It wasn’t my parents, though I deeply wished it was.

It was Keith.

The stranger from when I was seven. The one who took my innocence. I learned his name several days after he had done it.

I swallowed and tried to crawl away, but to no avail.

“Neuro!” Keith gasped, a wicked grin creeping onto his face. “It’s been so long!”

He immediately tried to approach me; I fled.

I could sense his anger from across the room.

“HEY!” Keith angerly yelled and ran after me. He quickly caught up though and roughly grabbed my arm. “You are going nowhere, you little runt!” he snarled.

I spit in his face and yanked my arm away when I felt his grip loosen. I bolted towards the door.

I didn’t make it though.

I slammed full force into something solid, hard enough to see stars.

That was the last thing I saw before my vision went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not be able to update as often as I like. I'm starting college and I do have a job now. But I promise i will update at LEAST once a month.


	10. Voices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter, but college kicking off means might not get time to update later.

You know, walls are great.

No, really, they are. They have so many uses!

Want something to decorate? Wall!

Want to avoid someone? Put a wall between you and them!

Want privacy? Bam! Wall!

Hallucinating about your childhood rapist in your childhood hellhole? Go right ahead and slam yourself full-force, face-first into a nearby wall!

However, the window isn’t so nice since it lets people see you doing the previously mentioned action and said people might think you’re in some kind of trouble.

Groggily, I pulled myself up from the floor, rubbing my head while breathing in the acrid smell of smoke. _Why the hell do I smell smoke?!_ Once my vision cleared, I could see Kai circling the perimeter of my kitchen with his fists ablaze while Shade investigated nearby rooms. I let my gaze drift across the room, trying to figure out where the smoke smell was coming from only to realize:

My dining table was on fire.

And I no longer had a door.

On that note: “ _KAI SMITH PLEASE EXSTINGUISH MY DINING TABLE AND SHADE LOVEQ YOU ARE FIXING THAT DOOR!”_ I screamed as I staggered to my feet. From the corner of my eye, I could see Lloyd poking his head out from behind the couch. Kai and Shade quickly turned their attention to me. Kai flicked his wrist and the flames devouring my table disappeared into his arm. Upon seeing my struggling to stand, Kai immediately rushed over to help me. I shoved him away from me.

“We were worried,” Kai muttered, glaring at me. I felt a pang in my chest, but I shoved it down. _Now is not the time to be emotional, Neuro! Especially when being “emotional” is going to be perceived as weak._

“We believed something bad had happened, since we saw you try to run somewhere only to smash into a wall,” Shade explained. “And we couldn’t see Lloyd through the window, we just assumed he’d been captured or kill.”

“Hey!” Lloyd protested, standing up and making his way over. _Why the hell was he crouching by my couch?_

“You did a poor job of babysitting,” Shade deadpanned.

“I thought he was still under the table!” Lloyd shot back.

_Why was I under the table?_

Kai noticed my confused look. “Doctor gave you to much morphine. You were higher than a kite for awhile.”

I felt my blood turn cold. _I was vulnerable. Shit, shit, shit! Who knows what could of happened to me? Did anything happen? Holy shit my head hurts. Is that wh—_

A hand on my shoulder snapped me out of my thoughts. Kai was giving me a concerned look. I shrugged him off.

“Are you alright, Neuro?” Shade sighed, turning his attention away from Lloyd.

“I’m fine,” I replied.

I heard Shade sigh as he yanked Lloyd onto the couch. He then grabbed me and plopped me next to Lloyd. Kai managed to sit in one of my chairs before Shade could grab him and put him next to me, for which I’m silently grateful because my heart is currently not cooperating with me and Kai being close would of caused it to misbehave more.

Shade pinched the bridge of his nose as he let out a breath. From the corner of my eye, I could see Lloyd staring at him, a faint blush one his cheeks. I raised an eyebrow at him, which he saw, and he proceeded to glare at me and mouth: _Don’t you even think about it._

I just rolled my eyes. That was when I felt Shade’s glare at me. Bracing myself, I looked at him.

To say he was pissed would be an understatement.

I blinked at him. “What?”

That did it.

“‘What?’ _‘WHAT?’_ Do you really think I need _your_ help?! No, Neuro, _you_ need help! You’ve been acting stranger than normal and every time we ask you what’s wrong, you refuse to tell us! Even when something was clearly wrong, you push us away when we just want to help you! We trust you with our issues, it’s time you trusted us with yours,” Shade spat, still glaring daggers at me.

I bit the inside of my lip. _Tell them,_ a soft voice whispered in the back of my mind.

_No!_ another countered, _they’ll abandon you. Throw you in a psychiatric ward. Label you a lost cause. You’ll lose everything—well, what you have left._

_They can help you._

_They’ll destroy you._

_They care._

_They do now, but once you confess, they’ll leave._

_They’ll stay._

_They’ll leave. Like everyone else. Like every potential family did when you were in the foster home before you ran away._

_Trust them._

_Say nothing._

“SHUT UP!” I screamed, gripping my head in my hands. I glared at the floor for a couple seconds before squeezing my eyes shut, my fingers digging into my scalp. I swallowed, trying to get my breathing under control. I almost succeed when a hand touched my shoulder.

On instinct, fearing that it was Keith or my parents or Miss Berg like so many times before, I swung a fist in the direction where the hand had come from. I felt it connect and, by judging the feel of my fist’s placement, I knew I had it my assailant in the eye. That would buy me time to get aw—

“NEURO WHAT THE FUCK?!” a familiar voice screamed and, just like that, my childhood demons were gone and Kai was the one on the ground with a fast-swelling black eye. I was standing, on my injured ankle which was hurting like _hell_ , leaning over where Kai was on the ground. I sat down, hoping to get my ankle to stop throbbing, and I turned my head towards the place where I heard the yell.

Lloyd had retreated to the window, a ball of power charged up in his hand, glaring at me— _assessing how much of a threat I am._

Shade was standing protectively in front of Lloyd, a knife drawn, and he too, was watching me as if I was a dangerous animal who had gotten loose.

It slowly came to me that it was him who had yelled.

I looked back at Kai, who had managed to get up. He was staring at me, not with caution or assessment, but with sympathy in his eyes.

I snapped.

“Get. Out,” I growled, directing my glare towards the floor.

“No, we are trying to he—,” Kai shot back, taking a step towards me.

I snapped my gaze towards him. He flinched upon seeing how mad I was. _Why did it hurt me to see him flinch like that?_

_You care._

_I don’t._

_You do._

_Shut up!_

“Did I stutter?” I hissed at him. “Let me make it clear: I WANT ALL OF YOU OUT OF MY HOUSE THIS INSTANT!”

My powers misfired before I could even blink.

Kai, Shade, and Lloyd were standing one minute, on the ground clutching their heads the next. The second it happened, I forced my powers back under control.

_Now look at that! First your mind stops listening to you, then your “friends”, and now your powers are misfiring!_

_Shut up!_

_No, your mind doesn’t listen to you anymore._

They all pulled themselves back to their feet. Shade gave me a look of confusion and shock before he gently grabbed Lloyd’s arm and pulled him out of the house.

Kai blinked at me, opened his mouth to say something, then clearly thought better of it and shut his mouth. He turned away and began to head to the door.

“You know, Neuro, if you ever change your mind, I’ll be there,” was the last thing he said before slipping out the door.

And then I was alone.

With the shadows in my head.

With wispy hands reaching out to grab me and pull me under.

My ankle hurts.

My heart hurts.

My head hurts.

It was the first time in a long time I cried.


	11. To Numb the Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Five months prior to the events in "Ninjago Bridge is Falling Down."

The glass made a _thunk_ as it hit the counter. I started to take a couple deep breaths—slamming a drink can leave one breathless after all. Once my breathing was under control, I looked up at the bartender.

“Another,” I rasped.

He gave me a look. “You sure? You don’t look too good.”

_Of course, you’re not doing so good. You’re doing the one thing you promised yourself you’d never do—drink._

_Just leave me alone._

_No. You’re drinking. That must mean you’re losing it or, better yet, trying to ignore the pain you feel._

_My ankle is still somewhat sore._

_Not the physical pain._

“Sir?” the bartender prompted, forcing me to look up.

“Yeah. I’m sure,” I slurred. Sure, I was five—now six—maybe seven? —Eight? --drinks in but it helps. 

I was only one of nine people in the Tailgate Bar—it was too early for the bar crowd—but it was nice. It was, for the most part, quiet and the staff were nice. I could go to my workplace, but I don’t think my boss Michael would like to see me getting wasted at the bar several hours before my shift.

The bartender, I think his nametag read ‘Steve’, reluctantly poured me another drink. “This is your last one, sir. You look terrible and I think if I give you anymore, I’m going to have to call an ambulance.”

I mumbled a ‘whatever’ before starting to sip my drink. After what happened, the voice in my head has gotten louder, and it is nearly impossible to get it to shut up. It didn’t help that Kai would call on a two-day basis to check up on me, worrying about me aggravating my ankle and not eating enough—he noticed a month ago I was far too light—but I ignore him.

For the most part anyway.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve grown _attached,_ which isn’t good. If he knew, he’d hurt me somehow, use it against me, or fully break me. This is the first time in so long I’ve felt this that I both want it to go away and to pursue it.

Though pursuing it and finding out that he wasn’t that attached to me would fully destroy the fragile world I’ve built.

Nothing I do can help me forget the pain in my heart of wanting and not wanting a relationship with him. 

Then I remembered that my parents, especially my father, would drink alcohol and when they did, they felt “invincible” and that they felt “better”.

So I tried.

It does.

When I’m too drunk to think, the voice goes away. When I’m too drunk to feel anything, I feel better than I do sober.

I told myself I’d only drink as a last resort, behind meditating, talking a walk, listening to music, or cleaning.

Well, I’m drinking at least four times a week.

It helps though.

I don’t hear voices. I don’t feel pain.

It helps.

I slammed my drink, wiped my mouth, grabbed my coat, and began to walk—no, stumble—to the door. The alcohol helped numb the pain in my ankle, at least.

I made it to the cashier and payed my tab before exiting out onto the street. The sun was so bright it hurt my eyes. I closed them and opened them a few moments later. Sun was still very bright, but bearable. Groaning, I started to make my way towards Lucky’s Tavern. Sure, there was at least four of everything and the sidewalk kept moving, but I can handle my alcohol.

As I made my way down the street, a bright, flashy sign caught my eye. I turned towards it, careful not to lose my footing, and strained my eyes trying to read it.

_Grizzly’s Burger and Steakhouse._

_Sounds good,_ I mused. _When was the last time I actually ate a decent meal?_

My stomach growled a moment later, causing me to sigh. _It sounds good, but I’m drunk, and I’ll get thrown out. Besides, I need to get to work._

Despite my stomach protesting, I yanked myself away from the restaurant and continued on my drunk trip to work. It’d take me a couple more hours to sober up enough to work—and to get to my workplace—but I have at least five hours to do so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My head was killing me as I walked through the door to Lucky’s Tavern and I had to forcefully swallow back the bile the rose up in my throat, threatening to wind up on the floor.

I stumbled over to my new work area in the center of the bar. My boss, Michael, just recently renovated the whole place, giving it more of a ‘country-western’ feel to it. There were all sorts of country decorations around the place now and our uniforms now resembled that of the cowboys in movies. In short—we now wore jeans with a belt buckle, cowboy boots, a solid color dress shirt or plaid, a brown vest, and a cowboy hat. To top it off, we also got to wear gun holsters on our hips but instead of a gun being in there, we carry something related to our job position. I get to carry a bottle of whiskey around and if anyone yells: “Liquor me up, cowboy!” I got to pour them a shot from the whiskey bottle I carry in the holster. Though I have to make sure each person only gets one complimentary shot so I don’t end up “giving away” alcohol.

I. Fucking. Hate. It.

I made my way to my new area, a scowl on my face. It was a huge ass circle in the middle of the new bar, and I stand in the middle of it making drinks so everyone ‘around’ the bar gets one. It also allowed me to see everything that went down, so I guess that’s a plus.

I lightly tugged at my collar of my grey dress shirt—I swear it’s trying to choke me—as I took my place in the middle of the bar. My head, thankfully, doesn’t hurt as much now that I’m standing still, but it still throbs from time to time.

Here’s to hoping I don’t get sent home early and I don’t get any of those nasty flashbacks that tend to happen as I sober up.

“Hey! Neuro! Good to see you!” I quietly sighed to myself before slowly turning to face the speaker.

“Hey, Corey,” I mumbled. “I thought you were on vacation?”

The bouncer, or security guard, whatever his title is, shrugged. “Yeah. Got back a couple days ago since Stixx got attacked by ghosts. The resort was so freaked out about it—even more so when an unnatural tidal wave took out the ghosts—so they refunded everyone’s money and sent everyone home.”

_Is the ghosts thing related to the Ninja somehow? If so, I hope Kai’s okay. I couldn’t stand it if he got hurt. Did he? What exactly have the Ninja been doing anyway? What has Ka—_

“Hey! Neuro! Ninjago to Neuro!” Corey yelled, waving his hand in front of my face. I jolted away from them. _Wispy hands reaching out to—_

Unfortunately for me, still being a tad bit drunk, I tripped over my feet, tried to grab the counter, but only managed to knock several glass bottles down to the floor with me.

So, now I’m on my back, covered in alcohol, glass shards, and several cuts. Plus, the hand I used to try to grab the counter got sliced open across the whole palm and was now bleeding considerably.

“Holy shit! Michael! MICHAEL! NEURO’S HURT!” Corey screamed as he helped me to my feet.

Michael burst out of the manager’s office with a first aid kit. Though once he reached me and saw my hand, he simply told Corey: “Take him to the E.R. I don’t like the look of that cut.”

“I’m fine!” I gasped, “Just a little rattled but I can just put a quick bandage on my hand and—”

“No,” Michael said sternly, “As of right now, you being injured is a safety hazard. Also, I don’t want that cut to end up worse because it wasn’t professionally treated immediately. Now go. And take the rest of the night off. Don’t worry, you’ll still be paid for tonight.”

I sighed in defeat as Corey quickly gave me a cloth to temporarily wrap my hand in before dragging me out of the tavern and to his car.

Groaning, I sat down in the passenger seat. I turned my head towards the window, mainly to avoid talking to Corey. However, I don’t think it was necessary, since Corey kept his attention on the road and the fastest way to the hospital.

Before I knew it, we were pulling into the ER parking lot. Corey swiftly parked his car and got out. I managed to get out of the car myself before he got to the passenger side. _I’m injured, but not helpless!_

Corey gently grabbed my shoulder and began to steer me towards the E.R. entrance. I tried to pull away, but his grip tightened. At that point, I dug my feet into the pavement and launched my weight backwards in an attempt to get him to let go.

_Don’t touch me, don’t touch me, don’t touch me…_

_My father grabbed my arm in a vise-like grip as he lifted me onto the roof—_

My feet slipped out from under me as fear immediately constricted my throat as _that_ memory tried to surface. Corey managed to help me regain my footing, even as I tried to continue to pull away. Once I was stable, I, once again, tried to pull away.

Thankfully, Corey got the hint and released my arm. I glared at him and stormed into the E.R., leaving Corey to scramble to catch up to me.

The receptionist looked up at me as I entered through the sliding doors. I put on my fakest, polite smile and said, “Hi. I accidentally cut my hand on some glass at work tonight and I was wondering if I could get it looked at?”

He blinked at me. “Of course. Name?”

“Neuro Pathis.”

“And you cut your hand open on some glass?”

“Yes.”

“How?”

I heard a faint _swoosh_ behind me as the sliding doors admitted another person. _It’s probably Corey._

“I was working my job as a bartender when the security guy kind of ‘jump-scared’ me. I lost my footing and tried to grab the counter but only succeeded in smashing my hand into the glass bottles and slicing it open,” I explained. _At least I don’t have to lie about how I got this injury._

He put it into the computer and printed off a patient slip. He quickly attached it to my wrist and pointed to the waiting room. “Doctor will be with you shortly.”

I mumbled my thanks and turned towards the waiting room. From the corner of my eye, I swear I saw a flash of green going towards the ‘Employees Only’ area, but when I turned my head towards it, I saw nothing.

_Probably either my hallucinations or the alcohol withdrawal catching up to me._

Sighing, I plopped myself into one of the, rather uncomfy, chairs. I heard someone sit down next to me. Flicking my eyes over, I saw Corey in the chair next to mine. I sighed again and diverted my eyes to my cut-up hand.

It still hasn’t stopped bleeding, but the blood flow has slowed down.

Progress.

“Mr.Pathis?” a nurse called, peaking out from behind the door that leads to the exam rooms. I pulled myself out of my chair. I could hear Corey trying to get up. I turned to him.

“I can handle myself, you know. I’m not a kid,” I said.

Corey sighed. “Okay. I’ll just wait here then. And I can say with confidence that you won’t leave me here because I’m your ride.”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes before following the nurse through the door and into the hallway leading to many different exam rooms. She led me to the one labelled ‘Room 19’ and motioned for me to sit. I did and she placed herself at the desk with the computer.

“Name?” she asked.

“Neuro Pathis.”

“You’re here to get your hand treated, correct?”

“Yes.”

“Alright. I’m just going to get your blood pressure and a couple other things,” she explained. She did just that, commented that my arm was a little thin and had to use the kids blood pressure strap, and then got up to leave.

“Dr. Nelson and his assistant will be with you shortly.” And she disappeared.

I let myself relax for a few moments, shutting my eyes to ignore the brightness in the room.

After a few moments, I could hear knocking from the door before it opened to let Dr. Nelson inside with his assistant.

Who looked familiar…?

_SHIT! NO!_

I bolted to my feet and made a beeline for the door. However, my feet slipped and I ended up crashing into the assistant. I immediately climbed off of him.

Though I made the mistake of putting weight on my injured hand.

“ _Fuck,”_ I hissed, rolling over onto my back and clenching my injured hand to my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut in a vain attempt to ignore the throbbing pain. And to ignore the fact that tears were now streaming down my face.

_Seriously? This bothers you? Don’t you remember the agony your parents made you endure? How about when your father threw you off the roof of your two-story childhood home? This hand is nothing compared to that. SO QUIT CRYING AND GET UP!_

I jolted up, gasping, my father’s voice ringing in my ears. I rapidly blinked the tears away. 

_Why was I crying? I know better than to leave myself vulnerable!_

“Do you want me to get you some pain medication?” a voice whispered. I knew why they were quiet. They were scared.

_Of me?_

“Neuro?”

_Am I that fucked up?_

“Neuro?”

_But I didn’t want to be like this. I had dreams. I had hopes._

_But my dreams got broken and my hopes got shattered._

“Neuro?!”

_Why did it have to be me?_

“NEURO!” a voice yelled.

The volume of the voice snapped me back to reality. I was still sitting on the cold, tiled floor of the room, shivering, and my face wet with tears. Using my uninjured hand, I wiped the tears away. 

Once the tears were gone, I could see Shade sitting in front of me. His face was full of worry and concern.

“Are you okay?” he softly asked, upon realizing I was actually _there._

I forced myself to swallow. “Y-yeah. J-just hit my sliced opened hand on the floor with my full weight,” I croaked.

Shade pursed his lips, clearly not fully believing my explanation, but didn’t comment. Though I could still see faint suspicion in his eyes. “Do you want me to help you up? Dr. Nelson needs you on the bed so he can examine your hand.”

“I got it,” I muttered, managing to pull myself off the floor and sitting down on the bed located in the middle of the room.

I zoned out afterward. Well, I zoned Shade out afterwards. I only replied to Dr. Nelson and only let him examine my hand. The only time Shade got close to me was when Dr. Nelson wanted to show Shade how to do a certain procedure, such as administer stitches. Thankfully, Shade was only allowed to watch. From what I gathered of the conversation that I didn’t zone out on: Shade was basically an intern trying to fill his “internship requirement” for his degree. Which meant Shade was not allowed to do anything himself and needed permission and supervision from the hospital staff. And depending on the type of patient and the severity of the injury, the doctor could get permission from the patient to let Shade treat them for “hands-on” experience.

I was not one of those patients, so Shade could only stand off to the side and watch or get certain medical equipment for Dr. Nelson.

Dr. Nelson made quick work on cleaning my hand and stitching it up. Once he finished, he left Shade to monitor me while he got the discharge papers. Shade at least waited a few moments after Dr. Nelson left to try to strike up a conversation with me.

“So, what have you been up to?” he asked. I had ignored him the first time.

_Still not going to talk to you!_

“Lloyd and I are a couple now,” Shade said, still trying to talk to me.

_Lucky you. Kai only talks to me so he can claim that he's "doing his job as a Ninja to ensure my safety and wellbeing"._

He sighed and turned away from me. “If you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. I was just worried about you, as is Lloyd and Kai. Hell, _especially_ Kai. Everyday, he messages every Elemental Master asking if we’ve heard from you, even though he calls you every other day. He wants to make sure you're actually okay and not making it up,” He turned back towards me, his eyes searching my face.

_What was he looking for?_

Dr. Nelson returned with the discharge papers before Shade could continue. Shade watched Dr. Nelson hand them to me, sadness and concern in his eyes. Dr. Nelson quickly explained the antibiotic he was prescribing to me before leaving, Shade trailing reluctantly behind.

I made my way back to the waiting room to collect Corey. On our way out, I saw Shade and Lloyd together, smiling.

_So, the flash of green I saw earlier was Lloyd going to visit Shade._

My heart clenched.

Shade’s words echoed in my ears: _“Every day, he messages every Elemental Master asking if we’ve heard from you, even though he calls you every other day. He wants to make sure you're actually okay and not making it up,”_

_Kai doesn’t actually care. He is only calling to make sure my ankle is healing so he feels “important”._

_He doesn’t really care._

_Does he?_

_Why would someone like him genuinely care about a pathetic excuse for a human like you?_

_First Spinjitzu Master I need a drink._

_A nice, stiff drink._

_Since I'm off the rest of the night, I’m going to the nearest bar once Corey drops me off at home._

_Yeah, the alcohol will help with this mental mess I’ve got._


	12. "Friendly"? Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update? Yep. Had some freetime.

Corey dropped me off after spending the whole car ride lecturing me on what I must do to make sure my hand heals up quick. I just nodded when necessary to make it seem like I was listening, but in reality, I was mulling over the fact that my life just became a tad bit more unnecessary.

Sure, I now have some “assurance” that Kai _might_ like me in a romantic way—which caused butterflies to erupt in my stomach—but why would he like me? Besides, he only ever calls, which must mean he doesn’t want to see me—and that causes my heart to clench in pain. And finding out that Shade managed to get with Lloyd only made my heart hurt more. Surely if Kai wanted a relationship with me, he would have reached out by now?

Then there was his social media, displaying many pictures of him with fans—mainly girls—and he seemed to be flirting with them. Once again, causing my heart to hurt more and opening up a chasm within me.

What’s the point of living when no one truly cares for you and others tend to leave you behind? Why live when the only time you exist is when someone wants something from you, or you’re accidentally brought up in a conversation about the past?

No one would care—not even my parents. No one will actually miss me. They’ll all just move on saying that “it was unfortunate that he killed himself” or say “Why did he do it when he had so much to live for?” as if a life of mental and emotional agony was a life worth living.

Corey bid me goodnight and drove away the moment I turned away from my car. Even my coworker has better things to do than make sure I safely make it inside my house.

But that doesn’t matter since I’m leaving anyway. I’m not staying home with this consistent voice in my head pointing out everything I do wrong as if I don’t already know. I also don’t want to _feel_ anything anymore. 

It hurts. It hurts so much.

Once I couldn’t see the taillights of Corey’s car, I started walking to the closest bar I could get to. Alcohol made existing so much better, since when you’re wasted, you can’t think, or, more importantly, can’t feel any negative emotions since it convinces you that you’re invincible and nothing can harm you and that everything will be alright.

Though you have to be _wasted_ to get that blissful state.

It didn’t take me long—about fifteen minutes—to reach Diablo’s. I casually walked in a waved to the bar owner, Lucas, before sitting down in one of the corner booths hidden in the back by dark shadows. The place had more of a nightclub-ish feel to it and the constantly changing lights helped hide peoples’ faces and allowed others to “disappear” into the club. 

The bar stations were located on each end of the club, with a dance floor in the middle of it. A DJ booth framed the top area of the dance floor, and tables and booths took up the spaces around the club. From where I sat, I couldn’t see the dance floor since the DJ booth blocked my view, but I could see the doors and both bars.

Lucas made his way over to me and sat down. “You’re off early,” he commented, flagging the bartender, Henry, to bring us a couple of drinks.

“Hurt my hand,” I replied, showing him my bandaged hand.

“Shouldn’t you be resting then?” Lucas frowned. Henry set the drinks—two Mango Screwdrivers, shaken, not stirred—down and after giving me a smile of acknowledgement, left to go serve the other customers.

“Eh, it’s just a couple stitches. Besides, I still got my other one,” I replied, sipping at the drinks.

Lucas laughed loudly before standing up. “That drink is on the house. Every drink after 25% off since you’re a good customer.” He chuckled then walked away. 

I smiled to myself a swiftly finished the drink. It was fruity and went down smooth. The best part was that all I had to do once I finished my drink was grab Henry’s attention and he’d bring me another.

I’ve been here often enough that all the bartenders knew my drinks.

The bass of the DJ booth echoed within my bones and the laughs and chatter of the other customers made a constant buzzing in my ears, but I paid it no mind. I was only here to get away from my past that is trying to overwhelm and drown me.

I think I was seven drinks in when I felt, rather than saw, someone near me. And not just a passing by sort of thing; they were lingering near my booth. 

I chose to ignore them and flagged Henry down for another drink. I was _so close_ to that blissful unawareness. Just a couple more drinks—

“You shouldn’t have any more, you’re clearly drunk enough. And getting too drunk could get you hurt even more than just your hand,” a person said.

They were close enough so I could hear them over the music. However, the alcohol has muddled my head enough where I couldn’t tell if it was a man or woman who spoke, and I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.

The speaker of the voice—at least I assumed they were, I couldn’t tell—then sat down across from me. I couldn’t make anything out—they were very blurry—though one thing did stand out.

Their grey eyes.

Some kind of alarm bells started clanging in my mind, though I couldn’t quite remember _why_ this grey-eyed stranger caused such alarm. 

“You don’t tell me what to do. I don’t even know you,” I slurred, though it sounded more like: “’ou don’ tell meh wha’ t’ dooo. I don’ e’en know ‘ou.”

The stranger’s eyes narrowed. “How drunk are you, Neuro?”

“Fu’ off. Go ‘way,” I slurred, making a shooing motion with my hands.

Henry gave me my drink and, after giving my strange companion a look, left. I immediately tried to grab the drink with my good hand, but Grey Eyes took it away.

“Hey,” I gasped. “Tha’ mine!”

“I’m cutting you off. And I’m taking you home. You have some explaining to do when you sober up,” Grey Eyes scowled, motioning for Henry to come back.

“’Ou no’ my da’,” I hissed, trying to get the drink from him. He kept it out of my reach. It didn’t help that my movements were sluggish due to the alcohol.

“Can I get Neuro’s bill, please? He’s my friend and I’m worried about him and I think he’s had enough to drink tonight,” Grey Eyes explained.

“He no’ my frie’!” I protested. Henry gave me a look and sighed.

“I think I agree with him on you having enough to drink,” he said. “And I’ll let him pick up your bill.” And Henry left.

I glared at Grey Eyes. “’Ou fu’ up, ev’rthin, don’ ya?”

Grey Eyes sighed. “Shade told me you were at the E.R tonight and you got stitches in your hand. He also told me you smelled of alcohol—which I get you work in a bar but it shouldn’t of been that strong—so he asked me to make sure you got home safely. Though not even a minute after your coworker left, you went for the bar. I’ve been monitoring you since you got here and, from what I’ve noticed, you come here far too often,” Grey Eyes explained.

His explanation was just a jumble of words to me. I couldn’t make anything out. My vision was blurry enough where I still couldn’t make out any feature other than this person’s eye color and the buzzing in my head was getting louder with each passing second.

I was dimly aware of Henry giving Grey Eyes the bill, Grey Eyes paying it, then Grey Eyes picking me up and carrying me out the door, muttering how they were going to “have a talk with me once I’ve sobered up”. 

I felt oddly light, like I was flying. I could also somewhat feel the light chill of the September wind biting into me. Strangely, Grey Eyes was warm. Like a fireplace.

The alarm bells in my head grew louder.

_Why is Grey Eyes so familiar to me?_

They carried me all the way back to my house. I opted to remain quiet. My head was just a mess. Besides, they wouldn’t listen anyway. Grey Eyes was clearly very stubborn.

Once they reached my door, they easily opened it. _Did I forget to lock the door before I left today?_ They proceeded to carry me to my bedroom where they ungraciously threw me onto the bed.

“Stay,” they ordered “I’ll be right back.” and quickly left.

The moment they disappeared, I forced myself to get up. However, my body had different ideas since the moment I managed to stand up, my legs gave out and I sprawled onto the floor.

_Shit._

I tried to get up, but bile almost immediately rose up in my throat and my stomach lurched. I collapsed back onto the floor.

_Okay. This is fine. I’ll chill here then if it means my stomach cooperates with me._

I scowled, but I didn’t try to get up again. My stomach was still acting up, but I don’t think I’m in danger of puking my guts out quite yet.

After what felt like hours, Grey Eyes came back carrying some pain killers and a glass of water. They looked confused for a moment when they saw I was no longer on the bed, but the confusion turned to annoyance when their gaze drifted to me being on the floor.

“You don’t listen at all, do you?” they muttered. They put the water and pain killers on my bedside table and picked me back up off the floor. They removed the covers before placing me on my bed. They then covered me up, making sure the covers were tight, so I didn’t try to get back out of bed.

I glared at them.

“I’ll check on you in the morning. When you’re _sober,_ ” they muttered. After one last warning look that screamed _Stay the fuck in the bed!_ they left.

I turned my glare towards the ceiling.

It was silent for a few moments before the voice in my head began to laugh.

_You can’t even take care of yourself! How pathetic are you? Maybe you should of just let yourself die after your father threw you off the roof. Or when Miss Berg would try to drown you in the bathtub. Or when the other foster children used you as a punching bag. Or maybe you could have chosen to die when the other foster children wouldn’t let you eat instead of searching nearby dumpsters in hopes of finding something slightly edible. Or—_

_SHUT UP!_ I internally screamed.

The voice laughed harder.

_Why do you insist on living when it’s clear the world doesn’t want you to live?_

Because maybe one day life will be worth it.

_That’s a big maybe. No one even cares. Even the people who say they do don’t actually care._

I know.

_So why fight?_

_No response?_

_You know I’m right._

I turned onto my side. My head was starting to hurt, but I refused to take the pain killers. Nothing could even begin to help ease the pain I feel.

I just wanted to be okay for once in my life...

_Like that would ever happen._


	13. He's Back and Here to Make Me Miserable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG FOR THIS UPDATE! 
> 
> College hit me like a ton of bricks these past couple weeks, so I wasn't able to work on updating.
> 
> Chapter is short, mainly just a filler for the next one.

My head was throbbing.

Like I ran into a wall. Again.

I groaned as I slowly pried my eyes open. I was in my room, in my bed. The room itself was dark, which I was grateful for, but confusion quickly appeared.

_How did I get here? Wasn’t I at Diablo’s?_

Memories of last night only came back in bits and pieces, not enough to figure out what the _fuck_ had happened.

I remember talking to Lucas, getting drunk, and grey eyes. Nothing else. 

_So how the fuck did I get home? Did Lucas take me? But that can’t be right. Lucas doesn’t know where I live. Neither does Henry. What hap—_

The door to my room creaking open snapped me out of my thoughts. A figure stood in the doorway for a moment, looking at me, before entering.

“There’s water and pain killers on your bedside table,” they—male by the sound of their voice—commented, motioning towards my table.

Sure enough, there was water and pain killers. I took the pain killers quickly, swallowing them dry. The water looked like it was there for a while and I didn’t feel like drinking warm water. Warm water is disgusting.

The stranger watched me take the pills. Once he was certain I took them, he turned on the lights. I screwed my eyes shut—it was too early for lights! —and waited until the spots of light stopped flashing in the darkness of my closed eyes before I tried to open them. The light still burned my eyes, but not as bad as originally. It took a few more moments before my eyes adjusted to the light.

I turned towards the person in my room, ready to demand who they are and how they got me home, but my blood froze. 

_Why must the people of Cloud Kingdom fuck me over like this?_

“So, Neuro, how you feeling? Do you want me to get you a bucket in case you throw up?” Kai coolly asked, eyes narrow.

“I want you to _leave,_ ” I spat. “I don’t need your help!”

“I beg to differ. You couldn’t even walk last night!” Kai snapped.

“I was _drunk._ Of course I wouldn’t be able to walk!” I shot back.

“I thought you _hated_ alcohol!”

“That was _before_ I discovered that it can be _helpful._ ”

“Help with what?! Help make you look like an idiot?!”

“None of your fucking business!”

“Why won’t you just _let me help you?!_ ”

_“Because I don’t need your help! I never have and never will!”_ I screamed back.

Kai let out a frustrated scream and exited the room. I felt a flash of satisfaction at the thought that I won the argument, but it was quickly replaced with guilt. Kai wanted to help—and yeah, I think I might need it—but, if he tried, my problems just might break him. And then there’s the thought that he might run away and never speak to me again the moment I open up.

I groaned and flopped back onto my pillows. Why can’t he just leave me alone? I was doing great with my life—well, after I was free from the foster system and my parents. I have a roof over my head and a job; my traumas and scars were buried in the deepest parts of my mind. Then I was an idiot and accepted the invitation to the Tournament, where I met Kai. 

It went downhill from there.

All my memories, my scars, and my traumas came flooding back, fighting over which is the “best” reminder as to why I would never be good enough for anyone, especially Kai.

I screamed into the pillow, forcing myself to shove those memories down. I am fine. 

Well, I will be when Kai _finally leaves me alone._

~~~~~~~~~4 hours later~~~~~~~~

Somehow, I had fallen asleep. 

I groaned as I opened my eyes again. My head felt much better and clearer than when I woke up earlier, so that’s an improvement. I pulled myself into a sitting position and stretched before climbing out of bed. Sure, I staggered a bit, but I stayed on my feet. Once I was sure I was steady, I slowly made my way out of my bedroom and towards the kitchen.

_Hopefully Kai has gone home now._ I mused.

No such luck.

He was eating a slice of pizza in my kitchen, while on the phone. I stood in the doorframe of the hallway and living room, watching him over the open expanse of the floor. I couldn’t hear what he was talking about, or to who, but if I moved closer, I would alert him to the fact that I was awake. I took a deep breath before trying to quietly return to my room. I was in no mood to deal with Kai or the person he was on the phone with.

“Neuro! Come here!”

I groaned and tried to rush back to my room, but my feet slipped, and I crashed face first onto the floor.

The sound of footsteps reached my ears before stopping right beside me. “Go away,” I snapped, trying to get up.

Of course, Kai didn’t listen and grabbed me under my arms and pulled me up. I tried to hit him.

“Hey!” Kai yelped leaning away from my hand. “I was just trying to help.”

“How many times do I have to say _I don’t need your help?!”_ I hissed, brushing myself off. Kai blinked at me.

“You can say it all you want, but until I’m certain you are fine, I’m going to keep helping you. Oh, that reminds me, you should get cleaned up and put some actual clothes on. I’m taking you somewhere in a couple of hours,” Kai frowned.

“Where?” I snapped.

“You’ll see.”

“I can just read your mind you know.”

“You could, but I’m going to bet that you do not have the strength to do so without passing out afterward. And do you really want me to bathe and clothe you when you’re passed out and still drag you to the place, or would you rather not use your powers, keep your decency, and be awake when we get there?”

I was shaking. Not because I was upset, no. I was shaking because it was such an effort to _not_ punch that smirk off that bastard’s face.

I scowled and made my way to the bathroom before slamming the door as loud and as forcefully as I could, in an attempt to dispel some of the anger I felt towards Kai at that moment. Growling to myself, I turned on the shower, stripped off my clothes, and climbed in.

Whatever Kai had up his sleeve, I didn't know. But I had a feeling I was _not_ going to like it.

Not one bit.


	14. Alcoholics Anonymous

I was right. Hooray for me.

Once I had gotten cleaned and dressed, I tried to hide under my bed—as ridiculous as that may be. But some part of me thought it would work, as it had when I was home with my mother—she had hated putting any part of her body under anything. Unfortunately, Kai didn’t mind getting dirty and had gone searching for me when I hadn’t shown up in the living room or kitchen for an hour. Under the bed was the first place he looked, and he dragged me out by my ankle.

Of course, Kai got a black eye seconds afterward from a well-aimed kick.

I regret nothing.

Kai had to sling me over his shoulder the moment he pulled me out, because I’d be damned before I willingly left this house with my lobster-colored tormentor. Kai said nothing to me as he walked outside to put me in one of his vehicles—probably salty about the fact I kicked him—but that was fine. I had nothing to say anyway.

Well, maybe two words, but that wouldn’t change anything.

He started up the vehicle, a red charger with flames on it—not surprised—and began the lengthy drive to whatever hell he had in mind for me today.

Which brings me back to my current predicament.

“I. Am. Not. Getting. Out. Of. This. Car.”

“Yes, you are.”

“No. I’ll commit suicide before I do.”

“You need help.”

“The only help I need is for you to leave. Me. Alone. I’ll be happy as a clam once you do.”

_Really though? When have you ever been happy? It’s as if the only reason you exist is for misery and pain to target you over others._

_You have never been happy. You have never been at peace. And you never will be._

Kai glared at me. “That is not happening. Now, get out of the car and walk your ass into the building or else I’ll pull you out of the car and carry you. It’s your choice.”

I locked the car.

“Fuck you.”

“Alright then, have it your way,” Kai sighed. He pulled out the automatic lock remote and unlocked the charger. Before I could re-lock it, he yanked the door open, grabbed me by the arm, and slung me back over his shoulder. The door shut and he relocked the car and carried me to my new hellhole.

The _Alcoholics Anonymous_ center.

I refused to speak as Kai entered the building. I kept my gaze on the floor, imaging all the ways I could make Kai pay for putting me into this situation.

But in my heart, I knew I could never follow through. I’ve been through so much physical, mental, and emotional pain in my 22 years of this miserable existence. I would never wish it upon anyone else. Not even my worst enemy.

A sharp jolt snapped me back to attention. “What?” I snapped.

“Miss Berg asked you a question,” Kai said simply, putting me down so I could face her.

_There’s no way. It can’t be her. Anyone but her. Please._

But it was.

She looked just as surprised to see me as well. “Neuro? Neuro Pathis?”

I numbly nodded.

_Why is she here? Is she here to punish me? What do I do? If I say anything, she’ll try to drown me. No noise. No noise. Must stay quiet. She can’t hurt me if I just. Stay. QUIET._

“Neuro? Ninjago to Neuro?” Kai waved his hand in front of my face. I blinked, forcing myself back to reality. Miss Berg only stared at me.

“I’m fine,” I muttered, shoving his hand away from me.

“Didn’t look like it. You spaced out and looked really pale. I thought you were going to faint,” Kai said. He turned to Miss Berg. “How do you know Neuro?”

“He used to be one of the foster children I looked after. Once every child either grew out of the home or got adopted I was free to do other things. I honestly never thought I’d see any of those kids again.”

Her voice sounded like poisoned honey.

“Anyway,” Miss Berg started, “The Alcoholics Anonymous meeting is through that door, then the first door to the left.”

Her eyes never left my face.

Swallowing hard, I turned to Kai. “C-can I talk to you?” I croaked softly. I swallowed again and darted my eyes to the door. “Alone?”

I know I should stay quiet, but I have to tell him. I know I won’t have the guts to tell him after this.

Kai seemed surprised at this request, but took a step towards the door, concern flashing onto his face.

“Um, sorry to intrude, but the session starts in a couple minutes, so you might want to actually do that first before you talk. Otherwise, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow,” Miss Berg spoke up. She tried to sound friendly, but I knew that voice. She used it when CPS and other authorities would come make sure the foster home and the kids were well cared for. Polite, but clearly hiding something and if any of the kids said anything, we were dead.

I felt my blood freeze and time slowed.

_I want to tell Kai. Maybe he won’t make me do this if he knew who she was. What she did to me._

_But what if he doesn’t believe me when I tell him?_

_And if I still have to go to these classes, Miss Berg will make sure I suffer from the start to the end if I tell him._

_Why am I still so afraid of her? I left her behind the moment I could afford an apartment, which was 4 years ago now._

I look towards the door leading outside, then the one leading to the meeting, then to Miss Berg.

She had _that_ look. The one where they are challenging you to say something, but you’ll regret it the moment you do.

I felt my shoulders slump. _I can’t. I'm terrified._

“Sorry,” I whisper. “It’s nothing important.” I bolted through the door leading to the meeting and took the first left, just as Miss Berg told me to do. Ignoring all the stares, I settled into the farthest corner of the room, trembling.

_I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be HERE._

Thankfully, the meeting went by rather quickly. We started off with a couple ice-breakers, since me and a couple others were new. The first one we did we had to say our name, how long we have been sober, and our favorite color.

I had replied _“Neuro Pathis. Less than a day. Sunset Violet.”_

The second one was we had to say one thing that meant the most to us, that we couldn’t live without. I guess it was a way for us to find a reason to stay sober.

Well, unfortunately, I can’t live without alcohol, it means a lot to me. The program leader, a guy named Adam, had not amused.

I did get a couple snickers from the group though, so it was worth it.

I still had to pick though.

My next answer, drugs, wasn’t amusing to anyone.

Third answer: To get back at the lobster man who brought me here against my will means a lot to me.

Adam settled for that. _“As long as it didn’t involve hurting or killing the guy.”_

_“Does giving the guy a black eye count as hurting someone?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Shit. It’s too late to have put that standard.”_

Everyone had chuckled at that. Adam had rolled his eyes and continued the meeting, listing ways we can stay away from alcohol, that didn’t involve hurting anyone—he looked right at me—and made us fill out a sheet that basically asked us what new hobby/skill we will have started to do by the next meeting and how many hours we will strive to remain sober before the next meeting as well.

_New hobby/skill: Getting away with murder. Hours I want to spend sober: However long it takes to murder someone, destroy evidence, and hide the body._

I waited until a couple others gave their sheets to Adam before I gave him mine. I bolted out of that room before he even had the chance to look at it.

Thankfully, Kai was in the lobby area, playing on his phone. I punched him in the arm.

“OW!” He yelped, dropping his phone to clutch his arm. “What was that for?!”

“For making me go to an hour-long meeting about a “problem” I don’t have!” I snapped. 

Miss Berg peered over her desk. “I think you do have a problem, Mr. Pathis. Several actually,” she shot at me.

I whirled towards her. “Stay out of this you witch! YOU are ONE of the reasons I have PROBLEMS to begin with!” 

“Oh really? I never did anything to you,” she replied coldly. “I only ever wanted what was best for you.”

_“By trying to drown me in a bathtub?! By letting the other kids eat all the food forcing me to root through the trash so I didn’t starve?! Then whipping me with a leather belt because I was acting like an animal?!”_ I screeched at the top of my lungs. I lunged towards her—I wanted nothing more than to make her fell some of the pain I endured while under her care—but someone grabbed me and pulled me out of the center.

I thrashed in this person’s arms. “LET ME GO! SHE NEEDS TO PAY FOR WHAT SHE DID TO ME!”

“No. I’m not seeing you leave this place in the back of a cop car,” the person—Kai, I realized—stated. I physically deflated after he said that.

He was right. _I_ would end up punished, not the bitch that deserved it.

_She always got away with it. Every strike. Every blow. Every scratch. Every bruise._

I let Kai carry me to the car. Once unlocked, he opened the passenger door and set me inside before shutting it and getting into the driver’s seat. He started the car, then gave me a worried look.

“Neuro, what happened in there?”

I looked out the window.

I heard Kai sigh. “Neuro, what did you mean when you accused her of trying to drown you? Of starving you? Of beating you? Did she really do this? What else did she do?”

I kept my gaze out the window. I didn’t feel like talking.

The silence stretched for a while. I knew Kai wanted to press the issue, but he didn’t want me to feel cornered or scared. His face said it all.

After a few more moments of silence, Kai let out another sigh.

“Okay. Fine. I won’t press you, but I hope you know you can trust me. I only want to help you.” And with that, he began the long drive back to my house.

_Why was she there?_

_She can barely take care of kids! And obviously no one knows what she’s done to anyone. To me._

_And now I have to see her every week._

_And Kai now knows something is going on. He says I can trust him, but I know better. The moment I tell him, he’ll throw me into a mental asylum and never speak to me again._

_So, my choices are, keep quiet and hope for the best or talk and never have anyone speak to me again._

_Silence is my only option. As much as it hurts._

I feel my eyes begin to burn with unshed tears.

_I want to die. If only to escape this living nightmare._


	15. Please, Just Go

The ride back to my house was done in silence.

We didn’t talk. 

The radio didn’t play.

The only noise was from the vehicle’s blinker or the wind rushing past.

I kept my gaze on the floor of the car, digging my nails deep into my arms to keep me grounded to reality. As horrible as my current reality is, it was nothing compared to my childhood years.

Seeing _her_ again only made the memories more vivid.

As much as I wanted to remain here, in the present, in the car, my mind had other ideas. The harder I tried to ignore the memories, the more insistent they became on reminding me of my past, and before I knew it, I was back in that hell.

_I was 12 when the hospital staff gave me to Miss Berg and her home for “broken children.”_

_It was really called “Miss Berg’s Home for Children Left Behind”. The purpose of it was to collect all the kids who needed extra love, care, reassurance, and support and put them in one place. That way, the people adopting or taking the child in knows what to expect._

_The home was filled with neglected, abused, disabled, feral, and skittish kids. Most hid in their rooms, which I didn’t understand at first. After a couple months, I would be among them hiding in my room unless it was time to eat or chores._

_Or punishment._

_I had been removed from my parent’s house a year prior, when my rapist, Keith, got too drunk one night—and got arrested for disorderly conduct—and proceeded to brag about how he had been getting away with raping me at least a month for 4 years. All he had to do was give my parents money or alcohol and I was all his._

_Even though he was drunk, the officer took it seriously and demanded an investigation into my family._

_The officers found me in my closet, covered in scratches and bruises. According to them, I was skin and bone and was limp like a ragdoll when they picked me up. At first, they had thought I was dead. They had all breathed a sigh of relief when the officer that had found me confirmed I had a heartbeat._

_I don’t remember much about that day. I had been very sick. Doctors hadn’t been sure if I’d make it through the night when I was given to the hospital. I made it though and I was then transferred to a children’s hospital, where I was kept for about a year. They were always doing tests, scans, and physical therapy exercises on me, trying to “fix” me. Some doctors were more aggressive when it came to “treating” me, and I knew I would never be able to handle being in a hospital again._

_Once a year had passed, they had deemed me “fixed” and had me sent here, to “Miss Berg’s Home for Children Left Behind”, where, hopefully, I’d be taken in by a loving family._

_The first week I was there, Miss Berg was sweeter than candy and so, so nice. She made sure I had settled in well, that I was getting along with the other kids, and that I was still healthy and strong. The only problem was mealtimes. She would just leave the food on the table and let us have at it. If you weren’t strong or quick enough, you’d go hungry._

_Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t fast or strong. So, majority of the time, I’d go the whole day without eating. Day in, day out. Eventually, when I realized I was on the verge of starving to death, I just started sneaking out of the home and digging through garbage and dumpsters for anything remotely edible. Sure, I got sick afterwards most of the time, but I had eaten._

_The only challenge was not getting caught rooting through garbage._

_If Miss Berg caught me, she would take me to a storage room and whip me with a leather belt, saying if I wanted to act like a rabid animal, she would treat me as such._

_And the more I resisted her, the longer the whipping lasted. I learned quick it was better for me to go limp and hope for the best._

_Other times, she would put a dog collar on me, attach me to a chain outside, and leave me out there until she remembers that I’m out there._

_I preferred the belt._

_Chores were a different matter._

_Every child, even the physically disabled ones, were given a list of chores after breakfast each day. We had until dinner to complete it. Unless it was dishes, then you had until breakfast the next day to get it done._

_As you can probably guess, there was punishment if you didn’t complete it._

_She at least made sure the chores given could be completed by that child. Small mercies, I suppose._

_The first time I was punished was when I forgot to dust cobwebs off the fireplace. As punishment, she locked me in a tiny room in the basement for 24 hours._

_That was one of the nicer ones._

_More often than not, when I didn’t do what I was supposed to or talked back, even, she would fill the bathtub up and force me under the water until I almost blacked out, then would pull me up and let me take a few breaths before doing it again._

_She had a lot. I know them all. Left outside like a dog, whipped with a belt, almost drowning in bathtub, forced isolation, cutting us with razors, making us fight each other if more than one of us was in trouble—winner gets away scot free, refusing us food for at least 3 days, I could go on._

_And she was good at convincing us it was our own faults for “messing up and making her do things horrible things”._

_The days families or the city comes in are the only good days._

_Miss Berg goes back to being sweet and kind at least a week before the day. Unlike other foster or adoption homes, this place only had these “visitation days” once every 2 months, to allow us “broken kids” time to adjust to one another if we get a new arrival or time to adjust to losing a kid since they got picked in the last one._

_So, during this week, no punishments for incomplete chores or back-talk. Meals are actually civilized. And any previous injury is treated._

_Though we can NOT say what really happens here._

_The last kid that did, Miss Berg managed to barely convince the city the kid was lying. Once they were gone, she took the kid outside._

_She came back a couple days later. Briar has never been seen or heard from since._

_I used to love those days. Every time, I would go in hoping I’d finally be picked. That some loving family will love me enough to make me part of their family._

_By the time I was 14, I had nearly given up. Other kids always got chosen over me every time._

_Then, one day, I was picked._

_I was 14. I had retreated to the farthest corner of the meeting room, knowing I shouldn’t waste my time trying when I would never get picked. I wouldn’t even talk._

_Near the end, Miss Berg approached me and told me I had been picked by a lovely couple. The woman was unable to have kids of her own and had fallen in love with me when she read up on my file._

_Before I knew it, I had a bag of my stuff being loaded into a SUV and I was in the backseat. The couple took me home._

_It was the best 2 weeks of my life._

_They would always hug me, read me bedtime stories, teach me the basic education that I needed, and there was “Family Game Night” every Friday after dinner. Meals were eaten at the table. I wasn’t punished when I forgot a chore. They would remind me and let me take care of it. I got new clothes, toys—TOYS! I’ve never had any before!—and an actual bed!_

_I was happy. I loved them. They were always so careful when addressing my old life and tried the best they could to make me feel safe and wanted._

_Then, everything went wrong._

_The woman who convinced her husband to let her make me part of the family, got sick._

_Cancer._

_She wanted to keep me, but her husband refused. Saying they now had no time for a child. They reached an agreement: I would go back to Miss Berg until she recovered, then they would adopt me. ADOPT! My heart soured with joy._

_I just had to wait until she got better._

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

_…she never did._

_I was 16 when I finally ran._

_I couldn’t take the abuse. The rejections. The grief of losing the only person who had ever wanted me. Or loved me for that matter._

_That day, I switched my chore list with another kid named Mellany. She was here because her parents kept her in the attic since she was 6 and got “rescued” when she was 15 and left here 2 months after._

_She hated having to do the dishes, which I wanted because then Miss Berg would leave me be until tomorrow at breakfast. She almost always got dishes. So, when I offered to trade with her, Mellany traded her list of chores with mine in a heartbeat._

_Having dishes as one of my chores, Miss Berg would leave me be until breakfast tomorrow, giving me enough time to flee._

_I packed very little. Just a pan, a water bottle, and a change of clothes. I took nothing else. When night fell, I climbed out the second-story window and jumped._

_The only good thing that came out of my father finding it fun to throw me off the roof of my childhood home was that I learned how to fall safely. I only got a couple bruises and scrapes from the fall. Once I dusted myself off, I made a beeline for the harbor._

_I stopped for nothing. Even when my feet ached and lungs burned for air, I didn’t stop until I got to the harbor. I only stopped once I found a home that wasn’t about to fall over._

_It needed serious repairs, sure. But anything was better than Miss Berg’s place._

_I don’t know how long I was there until a city council member showed up with an officer. At first, I thought they were there to drag me back to that hell. But they were only there because someone had reported a child living in that barely standing home._

_Even though I was 16, I lied and told them I was 18 and got thrown out of the house by my family since I had no job and couldn’t afford to pay the rent or bills they forced upon me. They bought it. The council member showed me mercy and, after pulling a few strings, got it to where I could make renovations to the home, but I had to live in the apartment complex the council member owned and pay rent. Once renovations were done and the house livable, I could move. If the council member was still alive when I finished, I’d pay rent to live there, but if they were dead, I kept the home with no debt to pay and the council member’s family would shoulder the debt._

_The officer and council member even helped me get a job. Lucky’s Tavern was the only place that was willing to take me on when it was discovered I didn’t have any formal education. I could at least read and write, but that was about it._

_I still got the job and after my first check, I started paying rent, adding necessary items and furniture to my apartment, putting some money aside in savings, and then using the rest to start the renovations._

_Even when the city revitalized the harbor area, the council member kept their word, and I wasn’t forced out and got to continue making the repairs to make it my home._

_The council member died in a car wreck 4 years after the deal was made, so the debt was forgiven, and I got to move in 2 years afterwards._

_No one from my past has found me since. Not even when I was broadcasted with the other Elemental Masters after we defeated Master Chen and his army of fake Anacondrai in the Corridor of Elders._

_For the most part, I was safe._

_But now Miss Berg knows I’m still alive. And could possibly know where to find me now. What if she tries to silence me forever?_

The sudden jerk of the vehicle snapped me back to reality from memory lane. My nails that were digging into my arm has long since drawn blood—that would probably scar. 

Kai was pulling into the driveway of my house. Once he turned off the car, I tried to go, but he locked the door.

“Neuro,” he spoke, softly. Softly? Clearly a trick. Anyone who has ever used that voice with me used it only to lull me into a false sense of security before hurting me. I kept trying to open the door.

Kai sighed. “What was that about? You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone else. I promise.”

I glared at him. “It’s my problem. My responsibility.”

“I want to help. No matter how many times you push me away, I will come back.”

“And everytime you do, you make my problems worse!” I venomously snapped. 

Kai flinched at my tone. “Neuro—”

“No,” I hissed. “You say you want to help. The only way you can help me is leaving me alone. Your presence has only made me more aware of all the problems I have, and the longer you stay the worse they get!”

“Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong then?!” Kai yelled. Ah, I was right. The soft voice was only a trick.

“BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND!” I screeched. “The hells I’ve gone through is NOTHING compared to what you’ve gone through!”

“You don’t know that!”

“I do know that! Master of Mind, remember?!”

“Just let me help—”

“The only help you are giving me is helping me realize every reason I want to just die!”

He reeled back. “You don’t mean that.” he croaked.

I glared. “I DO mean that! And the best part? No one will care! No one will cry! No one will even know I am gone!”

“ _I_ would.”

“No, you wouldn’t.”

Kai screamed in frustration and slammed his hands into the wheel. Terrified, I slammed my left foot into the window of the passenger seat, shattering it. Kai looked at me in shock, and, fully petrified now, I lunged out the window and bolted for my house.

I got in and locked the door by the time Kai managed to get out of the car. I leaned my back against the door, trying to calm my racing heart and trying not to cry from the fear Kai instilled in me.

“Neuro?” Kai called, knocking on the door. “Neuro, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scream. I was just angry that you believe I don’t care about you.”

I said nothing.

“If I didn’t, would I have constantly checked in on you? If I didn’t, would I have dragged you to get help with your alcohol problem? Neuro, I care. I want to help. Just tell me what you need me to do.”

“…I need you to go.”

“What?”

I choked back a sob. “I got my own problems I have to deal with on my own. You can’t help. You are only making it worse. So, please, just go.”

“Can I check in on you then?” Kai asked, concern in his voice.

“No.” I croaked. “No contact. No visits. Nothing.”

Kai was silent for a long time. I began to wonder if he left by the time he gave me his response.

“I’ll do that. But I have my own conditions with that.”

“And what are they?” I snapped.

“You continue to go to the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and not relapse. I promise to have Zane look into the receptionist and try to make it so you don’t encounter her again. My other condition is that I get to see you a month from now. That’s all.”

I mulled it over. I get to be alone, like I want, but I got to continue with those stupid meetings and no drinking. I also have to have Kai come back in a month.

Well, there are other ways to numb the pain.

“…Fine.” I whispered. “I agree to your terms. Now, please go.”

My only answer was the sound of an engine starting and slowing fading away. Satisfied, I pulled myself off the door and began to make my way to the bathroom.

Now where did I put those razors?


	16. The End of Lucky's Tavern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four months prior to the events in "Ninjago Bridge Is Falling Down"
> 
> Just a warning--There is self-harm/implied self-harm in this chapter.

I hissed as the thin razor blade sunk into my flesh before I let out a soft sigh. The pain helped me focus on my surroundings, it helped me cope with the agony in my mind, and it most certainly helped me to keep my sanity.

Tiny, white, horizontal lines made a nice, macabre pattern on both of my arms. From my wrist to my elbow, it was beautiful—in a twisted sort of way—and the fresh blood in the area from my wrist to halfway to my elbow only added to the twisted sense of beauty.

I numbly watched my blood pool a little longer before exiting out of the stall in the men’s restroom. I quickly glanced around to ensure none of my coworkers were nearby. Once satisfied, I turned on the faucet on the sink before shoving my sliced arms under the freezing water, watching as the water washed the blood away and slowly stopped the bleeding.

I told myself after cutting my arms for the first time I would never do it in a public place, especially where there were people who knew me. However, tonight, was an exception to that rule.

When I arrived at Lucky’s Tavern, ready to begin my shift, something had felt off. Normally, someone—namely Michael, my boss—sets up the bottles of alcohol and the limes and lemons in the circular bar for me to organize and prep for when we open. Tonight, though, all the bottles of alcohol were still in the storage area and the limes and lemons were not cut. 

Stranger still, my coworkers were sitting in the booth farthest from the door. This normally isn’t strange, but we were supposed to open in 30 minutes and Michael has drilled into us to be in our areas setting up at the latest of 25 minutes to open. Sure, they had five minutes to get into position, but they were clearly not about to move anytime soon.

Ignoring the bad feeling in my gut, I made my way over to my area to start setting up. I reached for one of the lemons and started cutting them up.

“Neuro!” someone yelled. I startled and accidently sliced a little too close to my finger, but it was fine. I whirled around to see who had yelled at me, locking eyes with Corey from the booth he and my other coworkers were sitting at. He flagged me over, and, sensing that something was terribly _wrong,_ I made my way over. 

Corey moved over a little bit, wanting to make room for me, but I grabbed a nearby chair and sat down. I appreciated Corey’s gesture, but I _hated_ being so close to others. Corey awkwardly shifted back to the way he was sitting before clearing his throat.

“Well, now that everyone is here, I have some bad news,” Corey started. One of the waitresses, a new hire named Caroline but went by Carrie, gave Corey a baffled look.

“No, we ain’t all here. Where’s the big man Michael?” she asked, her southern accent thick in the way she spoke.

My heart sped up. _Something really is wrong. What happened to Michael? He’s never the last one here!_

“That’s what this meeting is about,” Corey sighed. “Michael, um, died early this morning, a couple hours after we shut down last night. He was driving home when a drunk driver crossed the center line and struck him head-on. He died on the way to the hospital.”

“That’s awful! What’re we gonna do?” Carrie gasped.

Everyone else shifted uncomfortably as we processed the news. I felt my heart shattering. Michael had been the only person who was willing to give me a chance in this world. He gave me a job when no one else would and I know that if he hadn’t, I would have never been able to afford an apartment or fix up the place I call home now. 

_Why does everyone who actually care about me always leave?_

“Unfortunately, what we have to do is find new jobs,” Corey’s sadness-stricken voice snapped me out of my tumbling spiral of grief. Though once his words comprehended in my mind, I felt my world crash even further.

_A new job? A NEW JOB?! How can I get a job when I don’t have the education needed to get a different job! This was the only place that was willing to hire me and train me. How am I supposed to find another?!_

Oblivious to my inner turmoil, Corey went on: “This is the last night we can be in here. Michael’s family wants to sell this place as quickly as possible, since they’re convinced that Michael getting killed by a drunk driver when he owned a bar is a bad omen. They will, however, give everyone their final paychecks, plus a severance pay of $2,000, which should help you get by until you land another job. For right now though, let’s get this place packed and cleaned up as a thank you to Michael for giving us the opportunity to work with him and to make it easier on his family.”

I stood up and rushed to the men’s bathroom after that. I locked myself in the last stall before slumping to the ground and crying. I screamed a little, too, since it was _extremely unfair that someone as kind and as merciful as Michael was taken from this world._

_The world would be a much better place if everyone were half the man Michael was._

_It just wasn’t fair!_

I don’t know how long I cried until I remembered about the razor blade in my pocket. I usually tried to leave it at home, but I learned that having it on me, ready to use when my emotions and traumas acted up, brought me some comfort.

Which brings me back to now.

Ensuring that the blood was fully washed away, and my arms were done bleeding, I dried them off before pulling my sleeves down. That’s a perk of wearing long-sleeves: It’s easy to hide the scars from the blade and it keeps people ignorant of what you do in your spare time.

The night passed by in a haze of packing and cleaning. I was aware of nothing else except packing up the alcohol, the bartender equipment, the drink glasses, and the mixers, and cleaning up the circle bar until that area shined like a diamond.

It was the least I could do for the man who helped give me a fighting chance.

I only became aware of the time when Corey announced that there was five minutes until bar-close—the last one Lucky’s Tavern will ever have. Sighing, I continued stuffing newspaper into the glasses and wrapping the glasses in it afterwards. Once I was certain they wouldn’t break in transport, I placed the last few glasses in the box before closing it and carrying it to the other side of the bar, close to the door, where Corey had directed us to place the packed boxes to make it easier for Michael’s family to carry to the moving truck.

Gently placing the box on top of the other boxes, I turned to look at the once buzzing bar. Sure, I hated the theme and the costumes we employees had to wear, but this was the place that had kid of felt like a second home to me. I may not have liked majority of the employees, but I could always count on Michael and Corey to have my back.

But now I’ll never see them again.

_Like that nice woman who wanted to adopt you. Or the council member who helped you make a life. Or Adam, the Alcoholics Anonymous leader who willingly puts up with you and helps you get and stay sober._

_Adam._ I had nearly forgotten him, even though it’s only been a week since I last saw him, I’m sure he’ll be out of my life before I can blink.

I threw on my jacket and bid everyone a quick goodbye. I was not about to let them see me cry, especially since crying in front of others is a show of weakness.

Walking down the street towards my home, my thoughts drifted to Adam and the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I had kept my promise to Kai about going to the meetings, but now that I’ve been sober for a month now, I only had to attend once a week, compared to the original twice a week, since I was a “severe” case. My last meeting had been a week ago, which I’m grateful for. Even better, I got to watch the police haul Miss Berg out of the meeting area.

Turns out, she had been going through each person’s private information. When someone signs up, for either themselves or for someone they love, they have to put a lot of private info in, such as your full name, address, contact info, relatives, financial info, where you work, etc. This information is only to be seen by the leader/coordinator of the group, which is Adam. For anyone else who goes through it, the act breeches a whole “confidentiality” thing—basically destroying the promise of people remaining “anonymous”.

Since Miss Berg went through our information—and even saved the info to her own, private device—she broke her contract, which stated she was _not_ to go through each client’s personal stuff, she got arrested for “breach of trust”. Of course, this was only discovered when Zane looked into Miss Berg’s past and ran a complete history scan on the Alcoholics Anonymous personal computer and learned the files containing the members’ private info was saved to a flash drive belonging to Miss Berg.

This happened at last week’s meeting, which I had to refrain myself from laughing at Miss Berg. Even if she was never charged with the multitude of crimes she committed against me and the other foster children, it was nice to see her treated like the criminal she is.

Yawning, I opened my door to my house. Shucking off my—old—work boots, I shut the door and made my way to the kitchen for some water. I ate an apple and some eggs this morning, so I don’t need to eat anything more tonight. I placed my phone on the counter and poured some water into a glass and sipping at it.

The quiet of my home felt nice, but my mind disagreed. It didn’t take long at all before my thoughts drifted to the new things I had to worry about.

_How am I supposed to get another job when I have no formal education? I can’t even drive, so the new job has to be nearby, either within walking distance or within a half-hour bus ride. Also, to add to this disaster, I have no idea how to fill out an application. What am I supposed to do? How long do I have before I’m forced to sell my stuff to keep up with my bills? What if I have to start drug dealing? Or prostitution? Oh, FSM please don’t let my life come to that! I can’t even stand being close to others, there’s no way I can handle someone getting that intimate—_

_Like what Keith did when you were young? Maybe he was only preparing you for how your life will really be like._

_No no no no no no no! It can’t end like that!_

_But what if it does?_

_What if you’re forced to live a life constantly being raped in order to get by? What if that is how the story really ends? You forcing yourself to enjoy a complete stranger’s hands on you while forcing yourself to keep asking for more even as you internally scream for it all to ST—_

A loud noise startles me from my horrific thoughts. Admittedly, I screamed a little and dropped my glass of water onto the hardwood floor, where it shattered. But that is not my concern right now. Grabbing the nearest object—a spoon—and brandishing it like a weapon, I tried to locate the source of the noise.

It sounded like music?

Slowly, my eyes drifted over to the counter, where my phone was ringing. Scolding myself for being so stupid, I grabbed my phone, without checking the caller ID, and answered.

“Uh, hi?” I asked, placing the spoon down and now trying to locate a broom to clean up the glass and the water.

“Hi, you answered on the fourth ring of the first call. I’m proud of you,” the man on the other end said, sounding pleased.

“Who is this?” I demanded, using my shoulder to keep my phone pressed against my ear as I tried to sweep up the glass. How had the glass managed to get all the way over to my door?

“You don’t recognize me?” the guy questioned.

“If I did, would I be asking?” I snapped, it’s not easy talking on the phone and trying to sweep.

The guy sighed. “It’s me, Kai. I was calling to ask where we are meeting up tomorrow.”

I stopped sweeping as my blood froze. “Kai?”

“Yeah. Kai. The Master of Fire? We had a deal remember?”

“What deal?”

“Where if I left you alone for a month, you would continue your Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and we would meet up after the month was through? Tomorrow is the one-month mark and I wanted to know where we were meeting?”

“……. I was hoping you’d forget,” I croaked, putting the broom down and moving to the couch.

“Forget something this important? No way,” Kai answered. “So, where did you want to meet up? And no excuses as to why you can’t.”

I bit my lip, glaring at my floor. “I don’t know. Skylor’s Noodle House?” I blurted out. It was the first thing I could think of.

“Sure, does 1pm work for you? Sensei won’t let me get out of morning training until 11 and I need time to freshen up,” Kai replied.

My mouth was dry. “Sure. 1pm at Skylor’s. I’ll see you there.” I hung up before he could reply. 

Then, after a moment debating, threw my phone into a wall.

_How the hell am I supposed to get out of this?! He’s going to pry into my private life and I-I don’t want him to know about the problems I’m going through!_

_Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can get away with only telling him how my Alcoholics Anonymous meetings have gone and then flee._

I scoffed at the thought.

_When have I ever been “lucky”?_

Scowling, I made my way to my bathroom. If I was going to see Kai tomorrow, there was no way I’d be able to sneak away to cut myself.

Might as well cut as much as possible tonight in anticipation for the reasons why I’d want to cut myself tomorrow.


End file.
